A super professional, accurate, tried-and-true guide to the perfect date, 100 percent guarantee, no cashback.
Date 1: Bring forth a folder containing printed copies of his LinkedIn page, his academic transcripts, his bank information, and the comments his teachers have written about him in high school.
Bring a magnifying glass and sift through everything his digital footprint had to offer, with him at the table. This would make for a really fun icebreaker activity!
Date 2: Switch accents every 20 minutes.
And don’t explain yourself as you do it. And if he calls you out, gaslight him and ask if he has anything against accents. That’ll put him in a corner, so this is a foolproof strategy to, let’s say, get him interested in you.
Date 3: Bring your emotional support best friend to hold hands with you while you take a walk in the park.
I think he’d find it endearing, charming even, that your best friend wants to be with you on a date. The more the merrier, no?
Date 4: Take frantic notes every time he says, like, anything.
When he talks about his family, take notes. Past traumas? Write that down. He’s giving the waiter his order? SCRIBBLE THAT DOWN. If he asks, say you’re just super into recording your life <3
Date 5: Make it a monologue, and if he tries to speak, yell at him for interrupting.
He’ll find it so amazing that you have that many thoughts. Bonus points if you overshare at the end of it, for some extra pizzazz.
Date 6: Befriend his mother through FB and invite her to your next date, but don’t tell him.
Make sure that prior to the date, you have established a strong bond with his mom. It’s so healthy to be family-oriented!
*Sidebar – if he takes longer than 3 hours to talk to you, put him on your close friends and post a passive-aggressive but well-targeted story about how you’re choosing to protect your peace and letting go of what does not serve you. Bonus points if you play his favorite song in the story.
Date 7: Bring a child to the date, leave it there, and go back home.
This is to test his paternal instincts and whether he’s compassionate, caring, and resourceful [and then endorse that skill on LinkedIn]. A true test of strength.
Date 8: Find out everything he’s allergic to and cook him a meal with all of that.
That’ll get his heart running just for you <3
Date 9: Set up a date at your exam location, and tell him that to continue the relationship, he must pass the test, literally.
Date 10: For the true test of commitment and character development, throw a party and invite his exes and your exes, and observe.
If you’re meant to be, it’ll work out. Also, if you’re finding love, your exes should too!!!!! [JK if they’re rats then I hope they don’t.]