Wow. Time flies, doesn’t it? That’s a rhetorical question. Time can’t fly. It’s not a physical object. Well, at least not in our dimension. Hi, I’m Angela Merkel—just kidding—I’m Max Nisbeth, the Stranded Editor. Every year I make a New Year’s resolution because, like you, I’m susceptible to social conformity and the desire to fail at personal objectives. My resolution last year was to “stop using public toilets.” Weird, right? I was at this party where everyone wrote a resolution and put it into a big bowl whose purpose, I assume, was for table-side salads or collecting socks on laundry day. The point is, before midnight we all picked a random resolution from the bowl and I got “stop using public toilets,” which is ironic because I wrote that one. All the more unfortunate it was when I had to, as they say, drop the kids off at the pool during the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Whether you consider the McDonald’s at Yonge and Charles a public toilet, I’ll let you decide, but my God did it hurt… to realize I had let myself down. Why I’m telling you this is because New Year’s resolutions should be thought out and not written down last minute and thrown into a Friendsgiving Potluck-type bowl.
Now I’m thinking grand scale! Thinking big! No, not thinking about my favourite shape-shifting movie starring Thomas Hanks, I’m talking about looking at decade-long goals instead of just annual ones! In shifting to this mindset I have laid out for you my New Decade’s Resolutions with absolutely no context. Hopefully this inspires you to make your own. Enjoy.
- Be more self-care oriented.
- Drop out of my current degree.
- Prioritize my mental health alongside my physical health.
- Find a figure like Edward Norton’s character from Rounders and tour through the underground gambling scene in New York to become independently wealthy.
- Travel.
- Use the poker money to fund a degree in physical engineering, metaphysics, and anything to do with time travel. Become a master in this field.
- Eat healthier.
- Develop a time machine using my esteemed knowledge in physics which conveniently only has enough time juice to go back to one specific moment in time and then bring me back to the present so as to not create further time-rifts or the possibility for alternative time travel opportunities.
- Finally watch Crazy Rich Asians.
- Go back in time to December 31, 2018, the party with the punch bowl of resolutions, and burn the house to the ground, saving everyone there.
- Learn how to speak Portuguese.
- Travel back to the present to only find out that everyone has been turned into a guinea pig. But we all still wear clothes and do our normal activities. We are just guinea pigs now. And that’s okay.
- Go to the gym.
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