On mitigating the inherent cringe of erotic prose
Sexting, like those games where people roll around in giant plastic spheres, is generally thrilling to those participating in it, but ridiculous-looking to anyone observing from outside. This paradigm was illustrated when Adam Levine, frontman of odious radio-rock factory Maroon 5, was roundly mocked for the incompetent prose of his leaked sexts. Why this came as a surprise to anyone who had heard his songwriting, I don’t know, but I’m grateful that the sexts went viral nonetheless, since they provide the perfect exemplar for what not to do. The following are some tips that I hope may help you avoid his example when DMing your object of desire.
1. Avoid neutral adjectives.
Perhaps the most famous phrase to come out of Levine’s lascivious letters was “that body of yours is absurd.” The problem here lies in the fact that “absurd,” taken on its own, is not a necessarily positive adjective. “Absurdly sexy” or “absurdly hot,” sure. But “absurd body” without modification just leaves too much open to the imagination – personally, it makes me think of some sort of Klasky-Csupo creature. The Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth has an absurd body, but I wouldn’t fuck him. As such, prospective sexters should try and keep their adjectives to the explicitly positive (great, perfect, bootylicious, etc.) or else append them to a very clear object.
2. Swear in moderation.
Another sin of the “absurd body” line is that it was preceded with “[h]oly fuck. Holy fucking fuck.” A little bit of swearing can show how into it you are. A lot of swearing just makes you sound like you’ve never actually seen a body before. It conveys a totally inappropriate degree of awe that I can only describe as “ape staring at 2001: A Space Odyssey monolith.” Consider modulating your swearing such that you sound excited by the attractiveness of your sexual partner, rather than like a Puritan driven to raptures by an errant glimpse of ankle.
3. Stay away from conditionals.
In a later sext, Levine tells the objects of his affections that he “might have to see the booty.” Aside from making him sound like a pirate’s accountant, this line also commits one of the cardinal sins of sexting: it introduces a conditional. Why is seeing the booty only a thing he “might” do? Need he perform a cost-benefit analysis of the booty before deciding how to proceed? It sounds noncommittal and businessy, two traits not commonly associated with raw eroticism. This, to be fair, is not a problem exclusively confined to Levine’s writing: consider the recent Bruno Mars song wherein he “just might” make some woman at the club his baby. What’s the alternative? Leaving the club and getting a sandwich?
4. Watch out for backhanded compliments.
At one point, Levine comments that the recipient of his sexts is “50 times hotter in person.” Now, this would be a compliment if it were given, you know…in person, but consider its implications when said of someone who just sent you a photo. Adam Levine has never been one for subtext, but I think even he’d realize what’s wrong here if presented with the phrase “you look 50 times uglier in that photo,” which is semantically identical to what he said. Sexters, watch yourselves, as it’s surprisingly easy for a compliment about your partner in one domain to scan as an insult in another. Watch: “Adam Levine is just as good at sexting as he is at making rock music.” See, so easy!
5. Be yourself.
No matter how well you follow these tips, sexting is always, by its nature, going to be somewhat embarrassing – but do not let this stop you from being honest while doing it. Most people cannot write good prose, and even more still cannot write compellingly about their own desires. And all of this is fine! Sexts generally needn’t be subjected to rigorous literary analysis, as they’re a private conversation between sexual partners. That is, unless you’re a famous person sending them adulterously to Instagram models years your junior. Then you may want to give the old Strunk & White a re-read before you take your pants down.
