A beginner’s guide to looking like you’re protesting hard, while you’re hardly protesting
Illustration | Patrick Ignasiak
Throughout history, from the Suffragettes to Gandhi, the hunger strike has been one of the ultimate symbols of nonviolent protest. It is a daring and powerful act—a radical sacrifice of the body itself on the altar of a revolutionary cause. But it’s also really hard, so here are some tips on how to have a wildly successful hunger strike without all that pesky hunger.
1. Employ some plausibly deniable substitutes.
In order to appear like you’re on a hunger strike, experts agree it’s generally best not to be seen eating food. However, food is delicious, so try and find some ways to sneak it into your daily striking routine. Replacing solid food with beverages is easiest: hunger strikers often still drink water, but who would be able to notice if you replaced your water with flat 7-Up, or one of those clear electrolyte drinks that they squirt at hockey players so they don’t pass out? Sneaking solid food past the eyes of the public may be harder; consider only eating vegetables that could reasonably be dropped on the ground and passed off as foliage at a moment’s notice, or maybe get one of those show-offy Instagram bakers to sneak you cakes that look exactly like everyday objects.
2. Use the power of distraction.
The hunger strike is an act of public protest, so eyes will be on you at all times. The key to enabling your fakery lies in creating moments when you aren’t the centre of attention, such that you can quickly sword-swallow a chocolate bar from inside your sleeve. Your audience will generally be sympathetic to your cause, so the line “Hey, look, [thing I’m protesting against] is happening right over there!” will usually buy you some time as they look away. Note that this becomes less effective with repeated use, especially when your cause is something like disaster relief – there are only so many times you can make people believe a tornado just popped up behind them. Having friends who are also protestors helps with distraction; try getting them to organize a flashmob that takes attention away from your comparatively dull act of fake self-sacrifice. Consider also planting food in the bathroom you’re using – few people will suspect that you’re sous-vide-ing an egg in the toilet tank.
3. Perform some sartorial trickery.
If your fake hunger strike stretches out for more than a few days, people may begin to wonder why you still look as healthy and hale as you did when you started. Like it or not, the public performance of suffering is the driver behind a hunger strike’s effectiveness, and you can’t pull that off if you’re sitting there looking as pleasantly plump as ever. Consider having a co-conspirator bring you identical clothing of progressively larger and larger sizes so it looks like you’re slowly becoming malnourished. Is this disrespectful to the people who suffered from starvation on actual hunger strikes due to their unwavering commitment to justice? Probably! Will you care about that while you’re tucking into a nice steak instead of sitting and listening to your organs slowly devour themselves? Probably not!
4. Don’t drag it out too long.
A fake hunger strike has an inherent time limit – if you do it for much longer than a few weeks, people are eventually gonna catch on due to the simple fact that you’re still alive. As such, when you sense that you’re approaching the limits of your credibility, find a dignified way to end the strike. If your cause is achieved, this is easy; you can end it in victory and feign infinite bliss at finally eating the same meal you’d been secretly eating the whole time. If your enemies prove unmoved, however, you’ll have to find a way to make ending the strike seem like a moral victory. Luckily, due to people’s tendency to side with the little guy, this isn’t that hard: tell them that your foes have proven their inhumanity by bringing you to the point of starvation or something.
With that, you’re now prepared to put on a fake hunger strike that’ll fool even the shrewdest of onlookers. So go forth, and take with you some final advice: keep your wits about you, avoid thinking about the ethics of what you’re currently doing, and have fun!