Dear Saucy Suzy,
I like to pork it. I can do the nasty as well as the next guy, don’t you worry. Oh yeah, I can get reallllll sticky. That’s not the problem. The problem is that my girlfriend only likes it when I call sex “making love.” But the thing is…I just don’t look at it that way. If we’re taking a spin around the merry-go-round, I like to call it a bang-a-rama or doing the diddily. Something sexy like that. But all she wants to talk about is love. I like making love—but only to myself. I tried to explain to her that my therapist told me I need to spend more time focusing on self-love and set more boundaries in my life, but she doesn’t respect my limits. She says that only being able to make love to yourself is selfish. But how can I love her if I don’t love myself first—in the bathroom before we bump uglies? Last Valentine’s Day, she got so mad at me for doing this, that she tried to bust down the bathroom door—literally breaking one of my boundaries. This year, I’ve come prepared. I built an underground bunker, a.k.a. my special lovemaking cave. I set up a series of booby traps leading to the entrance; one of them could slice a man in two. She can’t break-in, and I can’t get out. I won’t let my therapist down this time. I know how to put up walls. But…what if I need to knock them down? If I ever make it out of here, I know my gf is going to say this is the last straw, and that I need to call it lovemaking. I don’t think she’s right, but I’m starting to wonder if I am either. Should I give in, or reinforce these mud pie walls?
Love,
Mr. Masturbator in Mimico
Dear Mr. Masturbator,
I’ve heard that touching yourself is, like, really important. It makes you happier, and all around just a better person. I totally get that. Even I used to touch myself before I had many, many boyfriends to do the work for me. I think your problem here is that your girlfriend doesn’t respect that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. I mean, who hasn’t seen that quote before? Does she not have Instagram, or a brain or something? Anyways. I think it’s really cool that you make love to yourself. I don’t think you should give into her nagging—sex can just be called sex. But, you might want to consider this: do you ever tell your girlfriend that you love her? You should tell her every hour. Maybe twice an hour. If you’re not meeting this standard, maybe you’re the problem after all. Maybe she’s just trying to introduce the word into your, like, romantic vocabulary. If you can’t drop the L bomb when you’re talking about sex, try doing it somewhere else. Oh, and if you’re not using heart emojis with every text, you might as well spit in her eye.
I hope these tips help, and remember, above all else…
Stay Saucy,
Suzy <3