This January 3, 2022, I did one of the hardest things anybody could do: I ended a two-year long relationship. It was a mutual break up (that’s what they always say, isn’t it?)—it was just better this way. But as any lover will tell you, all the platitudes in the world cannot assuage the pain of ending a relationship. And I could say it was both of us, but really, I was the one who held the scissors that cut the red string of fate between me and my darling, my lover, my TikTok.
Like every good relationship I’ve been in, I just… got tired. I’m a Leo; we need endless excitement! TikTok knew me too well. At times, it felt like they were trying too hard; other times, it felt like they didn’t know me at all, and I found myself insulted by their suggestions at every turn.
Don’t get me wrong, I was never bored. But we were too comfortable in our little dance. I’d come home, and there they were waiting for me, and there were three more hours I’d waste away idling on the couch. We got complacent, and eventually, just like every good relationship I’ve ever been in… I left and didn’t look back.
Commitment isn’t for everyone, but with the internet, it was for 4ever. Can you blame a girl for being a little scared? Leaving TikTok was hard. But once I did, I realized something important. It seemed that in giving up TikTok as my lover, I’d gotten the man I actually needed all along: Father Time. As someone who attracts only the most voracious and salacious of lovers, having more of Father Time could only give me a leg up on all my other competition in the dating world.
I don’t want to say deleting TikTok makes me better than everyone who hasn’t deleted TikTok, but I will say that I have the most lovers of anyone I know. Breaking up with someone who you love, even if they’re bad for you, is hard. But it is worth it, trust me (and if not me, then trust my 18 lovers).
They say time heals all wounds, and with more time on my hands, it’s easier for me to get a grip on the kinds of things I need in love. Plus, ever since deleting TikTok, I fuck like an animal.