Golshan: Nom de Plume, I just want to start off by thanking you for taking the time out of your busy leader schedule to sit down with me on this Zoom call!
Nom de Plume: Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. You know, we’re in the Leader training phase right now, and I’ve been through these lessons like a million times. It’s nice to have a break from the boredom and have a one-to-one conversation with a beautiful stranger.
Golshan: AHAHHA. Right, speaking of which, we are so lucky to have the opportunity to be interviewing the most seasoned Orientation Leader in UofT history. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you have experienced being a Vic Orientation Leader four times now?
Nom de Plume: That’s right. I’m going into my sixth year, so this September will actually be my fifth time at the ol’ rodeo.
G: Fascinating! Absolutely inspiring! Might I add, I find it very honourable of you to take the time to ensure that you’re getting the word out to freshmen about how fun and beneficial O-Week can be. I can just imagine all the amazing moments you’ve been a part of during those first exciting days of university every year!
NdP: Well yeah, I’ve seen it all; the blistering heat wave back in 2018, the apocalyptic raid of Zoomers in 2019, and now the lethal pandemic of 2020.
G: Oh… well, truly the good, the bad, and the ugly, ey?
NdP: That’s one way of putting it. Yeah, I would say it was mostly “the ugly.”
G: Lovely. Truly. I can already see the passion you have for promoting the vast variety of engaging events Orientation Week has to offer for first year students of all kinds—whether you’re a kid living in residence or a commuter, right Nom?
NdP: Actually Golshan, I might even go as far as to say always. It was always “the ugly,” Golshan, always.
G: Lovely. Truly. Now, a lot of students were disheartened by the fact that orientation will no longer be in-person this year. How did you feel when you first found out that Frosh Week will be completely online this September?
NdP: One word, two syllables: re-lieved.
G: Oh, um, very interesting. Why is that so?
NdP: Are you kidding me? I mean, do I even have to explain it? If you’ve ever been an Orientation Leader, then you get my pain.
G: Pain?
NdP: Yes, Golshan, the absolute torture of managing the chaos of hundreds of froshies sneakin’ around on cruise ships and smugglin’ beer. The agony of going to bed at three AM every night, sleeping on a cold floor in a random dorm, and then waking up at six AM every day. How ‘bout losing your voice by the end of the first week of September each year from screaming chants every 10 seconds. And don’t even get me started on all the awkward small talk I gotta do as Leader—that one wounds me the most—
G: Well, I personally believe that’s all part of the fun and joys of—
NdP: Listen, the froshies, oh those froshies may have it good, but we—we the Leaders—we get our face kicked in the dirt… except the dirt is sweat. And red paint. And yellow paint. Some orange paint. And copious amounts of Ned’s Water.
G: …
NdP: Uh, Golshan, I think you’ve muted yourself there.
G: …
NdP: Anyways, this year… this year, every single one of those worries… gone! Kapoosh! Blessed away from me! Yeah, this September, I will be alleviated from all that misery thanks to quarantine. So, you ask me how I feel about the total virtual shift of orientation? I’m gonna say I feel relieved as frick.
G: Rightly so, but don’t you just love seeing the look in their eyes when you guide them through the path of enlig—
NdP: YOOoo!! Take this in… it’ll literally be like I’m on vacation this year cause I’ll be hosting the Zoom events from my fam’s lake cottage in Muskoka! I mean, I’m literally in bed right now, not wearing any pants but you can’t even tell! It can’t get any chiller than this, am I right?!
G: BUT, but… but, if you hate it so much, then why do you stay? Why have you been doing it every year for five years now?
NdP: Two words, two syllables: The Fame.
G: Pardon me?
NdP: Listen, I’m a struggling actor. Why do you think it’s taking me six years to complete a psychology degree?
G: Uhh…
NdP: Don’t answer that. That was a rhetorical question. Now tell me, what happens when you’re an Orientation Leader? Your picture gets taken about 17 times a day. Where do those pictures end up? All over Facebook and all over Instagram. Now, if you’re smart enough to make friends with the photographer and are willing to write their photojournalism papers for them, you can bribe them to post those pictures all over the Dark Web as well…
G: *Staring wide-eyed at the ‘End Meeting’ button*
NdP: …well, you also better pray to God you got a good mix of facial expressions in those pictures to show your emotional range—plus one that’s headshot-worthy—
G: Okay! Wow, well… it was an absolute delight chatting with you. Really lovely. Really, truly. Now, I really think we should end our—
NdP: Hey, don’t blame me, man—it’s a harsh world out there in this industry. You gotta do what you gotta do. It’s the opportunity—no, not even—it’s the remote possibility of recognition by a film producer that’s been keeping me in this shifty business.
G: *Mutes everyone in the Zoom call*
*In the Zoom chat*
NdP: < listen, man, i would really appreciate it if u’d share my socials in this article >
NdP: < i even have a yt channel ive been tryin to grow >
NdP: < btw, just letting u know, i DONT wanna be anonymous in this article… >
NdP: < plz use my real name, help out a fellow brother >
*Zoom meeting terminated*
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
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