You cannot convince me otherwise!

Have you ever questioned the credibility of everyday phenomena? You find yourself thinking, “There’s no
way!” or “You have to be kidding” when someone tells you a story, you read something online, or you witness a wild scene. I assure you, your gut instinct is very wise, embrace your inner sceptic. Afterall, you are probably on to something.

Here are a few things that I am absolutely convinced are true, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

Missing keys… it’s not your fault! You must have a North American house hippo infestation.

At the ever-convenient time that you are already running late for your lecture, part-time job, or visit with a friend, do your keys, phone, or even your wallet seem to go missing? You scour your room only to find them a half hour later and you are positive that there is no way that is where you left them. It is not your fault! You, my friend, may have an infestation of itty-bitty North American house hippos running amuck in your dorm, stealing your keys to decorate their nests or your phone to play Tetris. Whatever those mischievous hippos are up to, it is not your fault that you are late.

People who actually “enjoyed” the midterm are lying.

Ever ask your peers how they felt about the midterm, only to have one of them say in a cheery voice, “Yeah, it was fun!” or “Yes, I really enjoyed it!” (Let’s be honest, they are probably an English or Art History major.) Then, they stand there and wait for you to return the sentiment. Like, what the heck Maddie!? There is no way you enjoyed the two hours of hand cramps and searching the deep dark depths of your heavily caffeinated brain to regurgitate all you’ve learned in the past two months. People like this are obviously lying.

Non-judgemental cats only exist in fairytales.

Do you or a friend have a cat? Have you been subject to Whiskers’ unimpressed and overly judgmental glares? Or Pumpkin’s blatant disregard for your feelings as you enter a room? She will look directly at you, get up, turn, and flop back down so you are now facing her rear end. First of all, why are all these cats named something adorable when they clearly have a grudge against everyone and everything? And secondly, you cannot tell me their so-called ‘pet owners’ are in charge of any cat-related situation. We all know your so-called feline ‘friends’ have a god complex and consume all main character energy for themselves.

Born coffee-drinkers are a myth.

Slightly controversial, but… no one starts out liking coffee! It is bitter, leaves your mouth dry, and requires substantial cream and sugar to make its acidity tolerable. No one likes coffee until they have been sleep-deprived, have a super tight deadline, or need to be up for an early morning lecture after pulling their first all-nighter. Whatever the exhausting event was, they were pushed to their breaking point and ordered their first double-double. It’s a slippery slope from there; you need less and less sugar or cream as you build up a tolerance, then the caffeine keeps you hooked. It’s truly the beginning
of a toxic relationship.

People who claim they can effectively study AND listen to music at the same time are gaslighting themselves.

They are among us: those who claim they study best with headphones on, playlist at the ready, and music turned up. We’ve all heard and seen them, but does their music actually boost their productivity? I think not. Within five minutes into one’s ‘study playlist,’ you will find a song that’s an absolute banger and start dancing. It begins with a lip sync, then a head bop, and then an unavoidable compulsion to get out of your chair. Next thing you know, you’re dancing in E.J. Pratt Library. There is no way this boosts anyone’s productivity, and if people like this do exist—if music does boost their productivity—then they should definitely be feared.

For the sake of science, there is probably a 0.01 percent chance someone running late does not have a North American house hippo infestation, someone actually just likes coffee’s taste, a friendly cat (probably named Steve) exists, or someone can study with music (I stand by what I said about no one liking midterms). Even with this sliver of a chance—until adequate proof is given—I remain a sceptic.