Big Bagel has lied to us. For years, the ENTIRE bagel industry has lied to us, selling us “everything bagels,” claiming that Every. Single. Thing is on the “everything bagel.” Stop the lies. Cut the crap. I know for a fact that poppy seeds, sesame seeds, onion flakes, garlic flakes, salt, and pepper are not “everything.” As tasty as this might be to you “sheep,” there is more to the world than just poppy seeds, sesame seeds, onion flakes, garlic flakes, salt, and pepper, but Big Bagel doesn’t want you to know that.
You can’t fit a horse, a house, or a hot tub on a bagel. I mean, you could, but that would have to be a very substantially sized bagel. Much larger than any bagel that Big Bagel is shoving down our throats and flaunting to us at the supermarket. What about strawberries, blueberries, or blackberries? Those aren’t on everything bagels, and frankly, if they were on a bagel, I wouldn’t be upset. You got me there, Big Bagel, you sleazebags.
Think about this further though. Humour me, Stranded readers. Expand your imagination. Break free from this corporate-illuminati-communist-capitalist-Atlantean-crustacean-Mezosoic-propaganda-smut. Here is the question: how would your bagel taste if there was road salt, gravel, grass, sugar, caramel, knitting needles, dog food, paint, steel girders, plastic dinosaurs, an issue of The Strand, concrete, hornets, bees wax, armpit hair, a picture of my dog, another bagel, and many other gross or pleasant ingredients on your bagel? Do you really want everything? Do you want the unlimited power of the universe in your hand? Maybe not. But the corporate-illuminati-communist-capitalist-Atlantean-crustacean-Mezosoic-propaganda-smut machine is telling you that you don’t want that because it wants it for itself. We all deserve “everything” on our bagels if we want it to, and don’t believe anyone that tells you that we already have “everything bagels”, because they are WRONG!!!!!!
Together, we can bring down Big Bagel, and have everything for ourselves.