Content warning: includes images of aforementioned popsicle. May be disturbing to some viewers.
I love popsicles. Like, a lot. I would even go so far as to say that I am a popsicle aficionado. They come in so many killer flavours. Sometimes the popsicle sticks even have a little joke on ‘em so you get a little chuckle with your suckle. They are simply refreshing and delightful.
You know what’s NOT refreshing and delightful?? Opening a box of cookies n’ cream ice pops only to discover a pop with a literal BITE taken out of it. No, I am not joking. Yes, it was horrible. The SEALED popsicle was BITTEN!!! Like, teeth marks and everything!! You don’t believe me? Check out the *very graphic, very disgusting and horrible* photos I took as evidence.
I mean, c’mon. You can SEE where someone’s teeth sunk into what was supposed to be my sweet, delicious treat. (Also: do u see the bottom of the stick?? Did they gnaw on that too??) Someone has clearly tampered with this pop. This is real. This is America.
I couldn’t let this go unnoticed. So, I did what any sensible person would do: I did a quick li’l photoshoot to capture the catastrophe, packaged her back up, and brought her to Whole Foods in a cooler. My dad even called them in advance to tell them we needed to speak with customer service. And speak to customer service I did. I whipped out the box and showed them the horrifying dessert-gone-wrong. And you know what they said? “That’s weird. You want a refund?” Well, first of all: yes, because these popsicles are expensive and 25% of them have been ruined by some hungry heathen. Second of all, WEIRD??? This is a TRAVESTY!!!! Clearly, they weren’t as perturbed as I was. I had to take things to the next level.
Oh yes—I emailed the company. I explained the situation in immaculate detail (photos included) and expressed my “concern regarding their quality assurance policies” at the manufacturing site (ok ok I know I could’ve sent a scathing email and totally called them out, but I’m extremely conflict avoidant and would rather just complain about it publicly in The Strand). But guess what? They responded!!!!
Yeah, okay, don’t get too excited. They did apologize, but in that oblique, “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong” kind of way. The customer service rep had the AUDACITY to say—and I quote— “I can assure you with 100% certainty this was not a “bite” – our wrapping machine operates very quickly and can chip the top of a bar off in that round shape. The blade on the wrapping machine is crimped, which is why it looks like a bite mark.”
Okay ma’am. Number one, why such a complex excuse? Have u ever heard of Occam’s razor?? The law of parsimony? I don’t believe u for a second. This is a BITE. Someone in the factory clearly got hungry, decided to have a little snicky-snack, and then put it back in the wrapper just to be mean. I think we can all tell which hypothesis is more plausible (and I’m a Philosophy of Science minor so by deductive reasoning u r automatically wrong and I am right).
HOWEVER, there is a silver lining to this story. She offered me… free coupons. I know, still kinda lame, but, as I mentioned, I LOVE POPSICLES, so I took the bait. A week later, I received a precious parcel in the mail enclosing four coupons (rly not enough considering the trauma I endured but at least now I could replenish my popsicle supply).
I bought four boxes of popsicles. So far, none of them have exhibited any funky morphologies (but I will keep y’all posted, because anything is possible). I am now a hero among my family, who also enjoy popsicles and benefitted from the fruits of my labour (haha fruit haha get it bc popsicles).
The haunted popsicle is still in my freezer. I’m convinced she will lie there forever. U can pay $5 if u want exclusive access to see her first-hand (mostly because that is how much it costs me to buy another box of popsicles). For now, stay vigilant and enjoy ur pops. <3
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