The only crime I see is the absolute killer face card you’ve got
Dear Luigi,
It’s been many weeks since I have heard from you, but I just know you’re busy hatching up some new, saucy plan to fix the world. I won’t keep you from your brainstorming for long (since there’s a LOTTTT of work for you to do right now, yikes), so I’ll keep this letter short and sweet.
You may not know me, but our love extends far beyond mere mortal connection. I have been in love with you since you took your family’s justice into your own hands, becoming a class traitor as a raging anti-capitalist. I have been in love with you since I read your manifesto, outlining how we should unite as a community and acknowledge how deeply broken our system is. My dear Luigi, you are a poet—a poet who has ignited a deep love within me, and who can probably feel our connection from miles away. Whenever I miss you, I listen to Cell Block Tango from Chicago. He had it coming indeed, and you were most definitely not in the wrong, my dear.
My Italian hero, the Bolognese to my linguini, the cacio to my pepe. You are the love of my life, and the greatest tragedy of our story is that I’m likely going to have to marry some other guy because you fought so valiantly in the battle for justice. As Andrew Garfield puts it, you are like a shot of espresso (pun intended, haha, get it?), and being around you is like being bathed in sunlight, except the sunlight is just pure hotness, intelligence, and virtue. And that fade with the eyebrow trim they gave you in jail??? Absolutely lethal, just like you. <3
I know there’s that footage of you flirting with the hotel secretary, but I know you were thinking of me the whole time. I mean, I’ve only ever seen that smile in my distant dreams, but in that moment, I saw in your eyes that you deeply wished it was me you were flirting with. Also, everyone on the Internet keeps claiming that you’re their boyfriend? That’s lowkey weird since you’re not? IDK maybe I’m overthinking it. Don’t forget to update your Locket widget for the day, it’s actually been a while since I’ve seen your beautiful face. And please unblock me. I promise I’ll be safe, you don’t have to keep pretending you don’t know me so that they don’t interrogate me. I’m willing to go down with you.
I’ve already planned our life for after you escape prison they realize you’re innocent and did nothing wrong and let you go. We’re going to have three kids: Mario, short for Mario, Peach, short for Princess, and Toad, short for Todd. I’m also thinking we should have a destination wedding—Sicily, perhaps? We’ll live in a quaint little house away from everything, where we can take care of each other. I already spoke to your lawyer about it all. I’ve also booked the wedding planner and told my parents about us.
Side note, your lawyer keeps saying you don’t want to talk to me (?!), but I know that’s not true, and you’re just trying to protect me from the bad guys. It’s okay, we don’t have to hide our love anymore. Also, my letters keep bouncing back, but I know it’s because it’s too painful for you to read my words. I won’t stop trying to cheer you up, because that’s my duty as your partner for life. This is just your reminder that we’re meant to be. <3
Also (just in case jurors read this) OMG remember how we FaceTimed that fateful day, between the hours of 6 and 7 AM? Like exactly then? UGH it was awesome when we talked about staying home that night, how much better it was to just be in each other’s virtual company while the world went on outside. Your back was hurting particularly badly then, so you couldn’t leave the house like, at all. Like you were in your bed, so cozy in your Pokémon-themed bed sheets, and definitely not outside at all.
I may have lied when I said this was going to be short, but the words just keep spilling out. Anyway, I must go, my love, I’m trying to get through your entire Goodreads list because it makes me feel closer to you. Also, I don’t know if I mentioned this already but like, please unblock me, and tell your mom and dad to stop ignoring my calls. I just want to get to know my future parents-in-law! Also, remind me to take you out to explore new dining options, because if we’re going to be together forever, McDonald’s is just not going to cut it.
Hugs and LOTS of kisses,
Your one and only <3