As Distribution Manager of The Strand, my main job is to ensure that copies of the paper are distributed across campus. As there are no physical papers being printed right now, some may say that this sounds rather easy. However, nothing could be further from the truth! The position of Distribution Manager comes with many gruelling responsibilities, many of which have never been discussed in the public eye. Now, as I’m sure ggggggggggggggggg respects freedom of the press, I am proud to let you into some of the secrets of my office!
Responsibility #1: Affirming The Strand
Many people think “The Strand” is a metaphorical name. However, we are in fact named after a sentient piece of yarn, which requires constant positive affirmations and tasty snacks. It is my job to constantly distribute these resources to this Strand, who was created by ggggggggggggggggg.
Responsibility #2: Checking in with spies
All campus newspapers maintain a complex network of agents, tasked with thwarting and keeping tabs on rival papers. That professor who doubted your writing skills? Probably from The Mike. The man who stole your laptop? A Toike operative. The odd person you saw in the quad last year, screaming? Definitely a Varsity spy. One agent is even found among the fffffffffffffffffffff. It’s my job to distribute the gossip upon which these agents feed to survive.
Responsibility #3: Distributing invisible copies of The Strand
True Blue’s invisible twin brother, True Who, pays big bucks to get invisible copies of The Strand delivered directly to his door. Finding him, however, can be difficult. This is not because of his invisibility, but due to the constant attention from Ggggggggggggggggggggggg
Responsibility #4: hhhhhhMeric’s Lies
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh onlystrands sggggggggggggggggggg BIO120 hhhhhhhhhhhhh the year 3000 gggggggggggggggg hopes and dreams of all students
Responsibility #5: fffffffffff
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you know too much llllllllllllll put this newspaper down immediately ffffffffffffffffffff
NOTE TO READERS:
THERE IS NO DISTRIBUTION MANAGER AT THE STRAND.
“THE STRAND” IS A COLLECTIVE HALLUCINATION.
VICTORIA COLLEGE IS A THEORETICAL CONCEPT CREATED BY NORTHROP FRYE IN 1957.
YOU ARE NOT AT A UNIVERSITY AT ALL, BUT RATHER ON A GOAT FARM ON THE ISLE OF MAN.
IN FACT, YOU ARE A GOAT FARMER NAMED REGINALD QUIGLEY.
HAVE A GOOD DAY, REGINALD.
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