Dear Saucy Suzy,
My best friend Bianca smells like fruit. Well, more like fruit that rotted, was eaten by a pig, digested, and released out the other end. The point is, she doesn’t smell like a Bath & Body Works Sunshine Mimosa. When I tried to tell her that she was stinky, I ended up giving her a swift kick to the hoo-ha instead. Turns out, the reason she smelt so rank was because she cheated with my boyfriend Derek and stole his gym socks as a souvenir. She’s currently in the ICU internally bleeding or something. They may have to surgically remove the heel of my shoe. As if she isn’t faking. My question to you is: how could I have handled this differently? Should anyone ever try to tell someone else that they smell? Also, did Derek ever really love me, or was he just using me for my Nintendo Switch?
Hurry I Can’t Decide if I Should Call Him Back He has Great Thighs,
Perfectly Scented in Peterborough
Dear Perfectly Scented,
First of all, I don’t think anyone should want to smell like a store-bought fragrance. Personally, I’m way into my natural musk. All it takes is a quick jog down the stairs for breakfast, and I smell so unique and alluring. Everyone has a distinct scent. Ask your friends for permission to smell them. Trust me, do it. (Your real friends, not Bianca the B.O. Biatch.) You’ll see that they all have these eau de bathwaters, eau de laundry detergent, eau de dog shampoo—whoops, that’s my secret ingredient ;). If you’re really worried about how you smell, try scraping on a thick layer of natural deodorant—it’ll add an accent to your musk without doing much else.
Second, I don’t know if you should tell someone they smell. Only if they, like, ask, or like, they’re completely out of control. What if it’s medical or something? My brother has medically stinky feet. It’s a real problem that affects up to, like, 15% of all people. Unless, of course, they cross you. It would definitely be okay for you to tell Bianca she smells AFTER she fessed up about Derek.
Speaking of your no-good ex, I say steer clear unless you’re only getting back together to go all John Tucker on his ass. Do. Not. Give. In. To. Those. Thighs. Deep breaths, Perfectly Scented. Take deep, saucy breaths.
ALSO, I’m thinking of selling a bunch of jars that have bits of my natural musk in them. Let me know if you’d be into buying that and I’ll totally set up shop! You may know that the secret ingredient is dog shampoo but you’ll never guess which brand.
I hope these tips help, and remember, above all else…
Stay Saucy,
Suzy <3