Dear Saucy Suzy,
This feels really embarrassing, but I’m just gonna come out and say it. How do you get past farting during sex? My boyfriend was on top of me when I accidentally let one rip. I didn’t even think my anal flower could relax enough in front of him for that to happen, but I guess the sex was just that good. Anyway. What should I do? I didn’t know how to handle it in the moment, so I spit in his eye to distract him, punched him out, and bashed his head in with a vase. Next thing I know, there’s a dead body in the back of my dad’s pickup truck and I’m feeling even more embarrassed. I know I blew it this time, but what should I do if I’m ever in this situation again?
With Love,
Gassy Girl in Georgia
Dear Gassy Girl,
OMG. When I say we’ve all totally been there, believe me—I mean it. It’s, like, totally shitty of him to have been there for that moment. He knew how it would make you feel and chose to be there anyways?? With a guy that cares that little about your feelings, chances are, he’s probably cheating too.
My suggestion to you is to ask yourself: is my little gas mishap going to be loud? Chances are, if you’re a girl, it’ll be pretty and silent. That’s just how it works. But if it does make a sound, you only have one option: Scream. As. Loud. As. You. Can. The sound of your shrill screech should drown out any other noises. You should also come up with a totally convincing reason for all of that screaming. Here are a few of my personal go-tos:
- Demon at the end of the bed
- Demon on the ceiling
- Demonic possession
- Fear of intimacy
I hope these tips help, and remember, above all else…
Stay Saucy,
Suzy <3