Ask Saucy Suzy: How do I save a horse, ride a cowboy?

Dear Saucy Suzy, 

I’m in love with a cowboy. He’s tall, sleeps in his spurs, and purrs like a kitty cat whenever I buck like a wild bull. We play this game where we go to crowded public places and I charge at him until he catches me. Everything is perfect. The only problem is: I made it all up. That’s right, it’s all in my head. I’ve crafted my perfect cowboy fantasy, but I don’t know how to make it real. And I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried standing around outside my local saloon. I’ve tried stalking Shania Twain so I can scoop up her sloppy seconds. I’ve even tried ritual sacrifice. But no dark god has smiled upon me yet. How do I make it happen? Who do I have to split apart, limb for limb, to get my dream man? Any help whatsoever would be so appreciated.

You could be next, 

Reverse Cowgirl in Cambridge 

Dear Reverse Cowgirl, 

You’re not gonna believe this: I just heard about this thing called manifesting, and it’s, like, totally what you’re looking for! All you have to do is tell the universe what you want, and let it come to you! I mean it. Last week, I told the universe that I wanted a French bulldog, and, yesterday, my neighbour died! How crazy is that? I’ve officially adopted her dog, Meemee, as of 3:00 pm today and, honestly, we couldn’t be happier. She sits by the door and makes this cute little squeaking noise whenever I walk by. I think it means she likes me. Or that she has IBS. Can a dog have IBS? Either way, she feels totally at home here, I can tell. Way more than at that biatch Clarissa’s place. I mean, what kind of self-respecting old lady doesn’t know how to bake? I asked her to make me a pie at least three times and never once had she come up with anything that wasn’t dumped out of a grocery box. Between you and me: she was useless and kind of ugly. But all you have to do to get a Super Hot Cowboy to ride all the way home is tell the world you want it. That’s right. Say it out loud. Say it in church. Say it on the bus. Meditating on it can help too. Personally, I have a journal where I write down all the things I’m trying to manifest. I keep it on my nightstand, right next to my photo album of Shawn Mendes. Hot tip: if you hodgepodge a book full of pics of Blake Shelton, it’ll totally, like, augment your manifestation powers. Don’t worry, with my advice, you’ll be riding a cowboy in no time. Yeehaw! 

I hope these tips help, and remember, above all else…

Stay Saucy, 

Suzy <3