One weird trick Big Pharma DOESN’T want you to know.
TORONTO – Doctors hate him! Local man exposes an INSANE secret about health and immortality! Read until the end of the article… what you find out may SHOCK you!
“I’ve never eaten an apple before,” said local Toronto man, John LastName, who is definitely not fake or made up. “But then I saw an ad while I was reading Buzzfeed News, as I always frequent extremely reliable news sources. It said that ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away.’ I was sceptical at first, but I decided to try it out.”
The man’s wife, Jane LastName, reported that after taking one singular bite of a Red Delicious apple, the man had keeled over, clutching his chest and falling to his knees on the kitchen floor.
“I thought he was having a heart attack,” Jane said. “High blood pressure runs in his family. He had also been rewatching Glee recently, so admittedly, I waited a few minutes before calling an ambulance because I thought he was exhibiting typical theatre kid dramatics.”
After bringing him to Toronto General Hospital, doctors reported that John had actually experienced the opposite of a heart attack. His blood pressure problems had reportedly disappeared into thin air. Additionally, he has appeared to age backwards by 20 years and is being scouted by the Canadian Olympic weightlifting committee due to a remarkable increase in strength. Although not confirmed, John may be immortal and is reportedly now able to walk on water.
Upon hearing this news, John’s doctor, Dr. Doctor, broke down into hysterics.
“I was dumbfounded,” Dr. Doctor said. “I actually stood up and put my hands on my face like that kid from Home Alone. What if all my patients find out about this? How will I pay off my medical school debt now in this economy? Damn you, you crunchy, circular, ruby red fruit!”
At press time, Dr. Doctor was found murderously cutting up an apple in the hospital break room, though it was unclear whether it was due to his grievances against the produce or if he was simply enjoying a few fruit slices with a side of peanut butter.