Get your head out of the gutter! Bringing someone breakfast in bed is a hugely romantic gesture or a nice surprise for someone’s birthday or an anniversary. The practice of bringing someone breakfast in bed has fallen out of popularity, but we need to bring it back. Unfortunately, the modern person has no time for making a nice breakfast and carrying it into the bedroom. I propose cutting out the middleman: everyone should have a kitchen installed around their bed. Not only will you be able to eat breakfast in bed, but you can also make your breakfast in bed. This new “(make) breakfast in bed” paradigm will revolutionize both the sleep game and the breakfast game.
Picture this: you wake up in the morning and you’re craving a hearty breakfast, but you can’t bear to get out of bed. What do you do? You sit up, pull the counter out of the wall beside you and whip up some pancake mix. Did you spill some on the counter? No problem—just use your duvet cover. Next, hit a button and the pre-heated grill appears from the bottom of the bed. Pour the pancake batter on the griddle and grab a couple slices of bacon. Now it’s only 5 minutes after you’ve woken up and you have the smell of pancakes and bacon drifting throughout your room. If you really want to improve your cooking smells, I would recommend adding in some onions and garlic so that you can enjoy the smell for the rest of the day. Once you cook your bacon, make sure to drain the fat into your pillowcase to save for later. Don’t forget to squeeze some fresh orange juice while you’re at it! Vitamin C is crucial for avoiding scurvy. You have now just made and eaten breakfast from the comfort of your bed. Then, you just have to throw the dirty plates at the bottom of your bed to clean later!
This image that I have just drawn for you offers you a vivid example of why this is a good idea. Beyond these practical implications, there are some important theoretical implications for this new breakfast in bed paradigm. First, the intimate act of cooking for oneself is only heightened in the bed. The spraying of hot oil and grease combined with the cushioning comfort of comfy pillows and bedding is the epitome of self-care. The bed is arguably the most relaxing place, and providing oneself with sustenance in this relaxing place is truly magical. Second, it quiets the incessant, annoying, abrasive, and demanding calls of both nutritionists and sleep experts to sleep properly and eat well. By making and eating breakfast in bed, one can maximize their sleeping time while feeding themselves. Third, eating breakfast in bed like this will normalize the activity of eating food while tucked into bed, and it will finally get my mom off my back if other people start doing it too. Fourth, you don’t need to leave your apartment! Better yet, who needs an apartment when you can live in a kitchen?!