I think my browsing habits are giving my little iPhone spy guy emotional whiplash…
Hey sport!
It’s about time we address the elephant in the room… you probably have some questions about my phone habits, and I think it’s time you get the answers you need to sleep better at night. After all, I’m sure you have nothing better to do in your incredibly productive and valuable day than watch me doomscroll, amiright? I might as well make it a little educational for you.
First, kindly mind your business if you see me open Instagram just to exit right after and re-enter when I remember what I wanted to open it for. My mind is just soooo full of incredibly useful and delightful information that sometimes it gets mixed up and jumbled. It may LOOK like I’m lost inside my own phone, but actually I’m testing YOUR multitasking skills and your ability to think fast. You pass, sometimes. I always assume that when my phone glitches it’s you not knowing how to handle the speedy changes on my screen – not a good sign for your cognitive health, my friend.
Is that an ASMR soap-cutting video I’m watching? Yes, yes it is – and what’s wrong with that? God forbid a woman have hobbies. And don’t kid yourself – you’re enjoying them just as much as I am, I know it!!! Wasn’t it so cool when the soap was cut into teeny tiny little squares and shaved right off? So satisfying, so beautiful.
Have I tried every single recipe I liked and saved and sent to my friends saying, “OMG let’s”? I prefer not to answer such an intrusive, rude, and irrelevant question. Is information for the sake of simply knowing not intrinsically valuable? Next!
Why do I keep scrolling through my group chats’ starred messages and media? I think the mere fact you are asking this question makes me think you do not have many funny friends. Out of empathy for you, I regularly go through my group chats to allow you to live vicariously through me as someone rich in comical friends. It’s like scrolling through a stand-up comedian’s Instagram account, only so much better.
Why do I regularly play dramatic sounds during conversations with my friends? I’m actually a soundboard artist! I add flair and drama to debates using sounds from my bookmarked soundboard website, and it makes for the MOST entertaining roommate discussions at home.
How old am I? I mean, from the engagement with SpongeBob memes and Barbie edits, is it unclear that I am a fully grown 20-year-old woman? If watching Miraculous Ladybug comforts me through the trenches of exam season and med school apps, I kindly ask you to mind your own business, as much as is possible within the realm of your work. So, now, let’s go watch the 168-part Minions movie on TikTok together!!