A letter to mayonnaise lovers, haters, and everyone in between

Mayonnaise is not good. 

In the interest of clarity: I do not dislike all condiments. I simply do not like mayonnaise. I think this unholy combination of egg and oil should not exist, and, furthermore, should be banned. 

I will proceed to discuss some exceptional circumstances and mayo-adjacent foods.

First, Russia. According to sources that I cannot be bothered to cite, mayonnaise is the most highly consumed condiment in Russia. Slavic Europe loves mayo with a passion, and that passion must be admired. I have decided that any vaguely Slavic mayonnaise consumption is completely acceptable, because I respect that kind of devotion. 

Second, aioli. I understand that there are regional differences in aioli preparation. I do not care. In my mind, aioli is simply mayonnaise with extra steps and a fancy name. It is common practice in North America to refer to any flavoured mayo as aioli (e.g. BBQ aioli, honey mustard aioli, etc.), and I believe this to be unnecessary. Why rename the mayo when you can just stop eating it?

That said, flavoured mayo can have its uses. When I say “flavoured,” I refer to mayo that has been jazzed up with the addition of some superior condiment or ingredient. Some examples of this are garlic, sriracha, or hot sauce mayo. These types of mayo are conditionally edible, as long as the mayo knows its place and is not asserting its nonexistent flavor. However, note the requirement of a “superior” condiment: the superiority of an add-in is entirely based on my personal preference. (I make the rules here, not you.)

Moving on! Mayo-based sauces categorically suck because they are mayo-based. Some such sauces are tartar sauce (adding pickles, capers, herbs), fry sauce (adding ketchup), or remoulade (look it up). Several salad dressings also use mayo, such as ranch, Thousand Island, and Russian dressing. I do not like these either. I didn’t know what salad cream was until recently, and I have not tried it. Nevertheless, I disagree with the concept of it.

You may be asking yourself why I wrote this article. The answer is very simple: I dislike mayonnaise and the lovely editors at The Strand gave me a platform to spread my message. I firmly believe that this salty oil-pudding has many better-tasting and better-looking replacements, and I encourage you to save your tastebuds and switch to a better option today!