Please… let me in….
Dear mistah Raya,
I am using this medium, the written word, to ask you to please let me on the app Raya. For those of you reading this who aren’t mistah Raya, Raya is a dating app for celebrities that has an eight percent acceptance rate (which is similar to some Ivy League colleges, apparently), and if anything, I’m a slut for exclusivity.
Lots of celebrities are on there, like Drew Barrymore, Tom Felton (for you Draco freaks), Channing Tatum, Niall Horan, Joe Jonas, etc. You know, just a bunch of people who would be answers to charades with your friend’s boring boyfriend. Also, Nicholas Braun is on there, and I need Succession season four deetz or at least to engage in a threesome with Shiv that happened in a Succession fanfiction I definitely didn’t read and just happened to hear about.
I just think that my life would be infinitely better if I was on Raya. Listen, I know that what I really long for is a respite from the cesspool of capitalism that makes survival impossible without constantly selling one’s own labour. I crave a sense of agency that I just can’t get when all I’m given is enough sustenance for immediate consumption (i.e. rent and food). Every Monday, the working class is left again with nothing but the prospect of working another 50-hour week, leaving no time for independent thought with which to realise their collective power; but also, like, I think Nick Kroll could just pay my medical bills for me, right? And who are you, mistah Raya, to deny me that opportunity? I just need a breeaaaaaaaak, you know? Can I get a f*cking break, mistah Raya? Like, let me be Nathan Fielder’s stay-at-home girlfriend spending the day getting my nails done and becoming a water sommelier. It’s what I was born to do.
Maybe Mark Zuckerberg is on there. Maybe I could poison him. I mean, uh… have a good time with him and be normal—no scheming. I looooooveeeee billionaires and want to date one for normal reasons. I could even give the wealthy elites a reality check with my basic impoverished lifestyle. Can you imagine Zac Efron’s eyes when I say something like, “Yeah, but can I afford to spend the $4 subway fare it would take to get there?”
And listen, before you say, “Well, you aren’t famous,” I actually once had Rookie Mag falsely attribute a Stephen King quote to me, so think before you speak.
Anyways, pleeeeease let me do a class collaboration.