Sometimes, when I’m lonely, I still think about you, Isaiah. It hurts me that we can never be together.
About a month ago, the TikTok algorithm offered me the Perfect Man. Tall, dark, angry, and an Ivy League undergraduate, Isaiah Paik (aka @Paik4President) was the man of my dreams. Paik had written a sociology dissertation on the political consumerism of social media and how TikTok profits off of our unpaid labour as a business model. He analyzed the pros and cons of academia, YouTube, and TikTok in terms of accessibility and, of course, came to the conclusion that TikTok is the most accessible and public platform to disperse leftist politics. Not necessarily ground-breaking findings, but hot as f*ck.
Here is a timeline of my infatuation with @Paik4President.
Monday, 8:00pm. Hey, this TikTok guy is smart! He’s right: the American middle-class is a complete construct—you’re either the elite 1% or you’re working-class, and there is absolutely no in between. Great point.
Monday, 8:30pm. I’ve watched about fifty of his TikToks now, and I’m impressed with his ability to articulate such abstract concepts. That’s kind of hot, damn. Is it getting warm in here?
Monday, 9:15pm. Now that I’ve seen Every. Single. One. Of Paik’s TikToks, I have to follow him on Instagram. It’s only right! I’m going to hit the like on his best IG posts. Wooow, this man is cute af, geeeez.
Monday, 9:20pm. Isaiah has a YouTube channel too? Cool, I’ll follow that. I want to watch a more in-depth analysis of social capital; it’s such an interesting concept. [Proceeds to watch his HOUR-LONG video titled “I Ran for President on TikTok… Then Crashed: What I Learned.”]
Monday, 10:20pm. I think that I’m in love with him. He’s so perfect. Nothing about this is cringey. He is a genius. I can’t believe that people like this actually exist, it’s so f*cking hot. Oh my god. I cannot. I have to go find him and marry him and we will have the smartest leftist babies the world has ever seen. It’ll be so ideal. I’ll introduce him to my parents and they’ll actually respect him—unlike my past boyfriends—and we will live happily ever after.
Monday, 10:30pm. I’m messaging all my friends, sending them links to his TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube. I video record the main messages of his hour-long video and screenshot his Star Wars-esque rolling subtitles. I really am feeling some type of way.
Monday, 10:35pm. I have to find him. I have to meet him in person. Who do I know that goes to Brown University? Maybe I can reach out to them and maybe they’ll know him and maybe they’ll be able to introduce us. Then I’ll use my everlasting charm and good looks to win him over?? Yeah, this is a great plan! It’s totally gonna work! I’m unstoppable!
Tuesday, 10:15am. “Waking up in the morning, thinking about so many things…” That’s it—I am going to marry this man. We were meant to be. He is The One.
Thursday, 10pm. Oh hey, Isaiah posted a TikTok for the first time in a long time! That’s sweet. It’s on inflation? He’s shirtless, oh yum. I watch it: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMe66mmre/
Thursday, 10:05pm. I may be dumb, but is that really how inflation works? Can firms really just say, “No, we don’t have to raise prices based on wages”? [I text my Economics major friends to ask.]
Thursday, 10:10pm. My Econ friends say that it can’t happen. Isaiah was wrong. The dream of Paik4President is gone. The mirage is no more. My heart is empty. My heart is broken. I feel nothing for him.
Goodbye, Isaiah. Goodbye, sweet prince.