Who is Ned*?

The “““media””” would have us believe that the titular Ned of Ned’s Cafe (1.3 stars, blogTO), is a nickname for E. J. Pratt, who was the “““““leading poet of his time.””””” That belief is the coward’s way out. Believing that is denial. Believing that is a danger. 

If you stay very still, late at night, close your eyes, and listen closely to the screeching of the chairs against the cold floor, those screeches will become words. The words will tell you the following: 

The hierarchy of the world goes like this: 

• Ned 
• God  
• Humans and animals  
• Ned’s Cafe  
• Margaret Atwood 
• Oat milk  

The only time Ned has visited Earth, he accidentally went to Ned’s Café in Leeds (not yet reviewed by blogTO). But he is coming again. Soon. And he will be taking E. J. Pratt down with him. 

Signs of Ned’s imminent return to look out for: 

• You have trouble starting your car in the morning 
• Springs, seeps, or saturated ground in areas that are not usually wet 
• Your fantasies (sexual or otherwise) involve bathing in a tub of melted brie cheese  
• You read solely classics or postmodern works 
• A faint smell of fabric softener  
• You feel that your dad doesn’t actually know the real you 
• Oily skin and dull hair 
• You have a hole in your shoe. The hole could be in the upper mesh or the side of the shoe, and no one wants to see your toes. Sure, breathability is an important feature for footwear, but a shoe with a hole is no longer useful. 
• People are constantly telling you that you’re “not like other millennials” 
• Your husband is suddenly passionate about new interests 
• Worms 
• Your mom says, “You think you’re funny?” as a testament to how not funny you are, but also to how much trouble you’re in 

If you see or experience any of the following, please let me know. We need to start preparing. 

We have come from Ned, and to Ned we shall return. 

*I have not yet determined whether Ned is good or evil.