PLEASE
Spoiler alert: I’m gonna be talking about spoilers and the poop bags who wield them. See? That’s how it’s done! Where has the courtesy of the spoiler alert gone? In a time where Game of Thrones is entering its final season and The Bachelor is concluding one of its most dramatic seasons of all time, my only defence against the dark arts of spoilers is the spoiler alert… or the fingers-in-the-ears-nahnahnahnahnah, which I’ll be honest is pretty embarrassing when done in the middle of the ninth floor of Robarts. The loud noise and finger plugs are, therefore, a last resort reserved for emergencies only. And because the majority of people think spoilers are reserved for just movies and books, let me give you a list of the spoilers that people have mistakenly committed to me:
- The Bible: I didn’t need my grade 10 Religions teacher to tell me that Jesus dies halfway through! Thought he was the protagonist, but turns out he’s just one of three of a Christian Charlie’s Angels. Thanks for nothing, Mr. Rafferty.
- The Sixth Sense: I trusted you, Lonely Island!!!! I trusted you! But no! I’m not even safe from the delicate vocals of Andy Samberg. “When Bruce Willis dies at the end of Sixth Sense I jizz in my pants.” No! You jizzed on the surprise! Thank you, next.
- The Weather: Don’t ruin the mysticism of life by telling me to bundle up for the cold spell tomorrow. If I wear just shorts and a t-shirt and the sky steamrolls my exposed body with a dump of freezing rain then that’s just the universe doing its thing. Maybe I was supposed to get pneumonia and you RUINED IT! #geminis.
- My Biological Father: Somebody grab the Red Bull because I’m about to keg flip you with a Jägerbomb of truth. I don’t need some asshole who I’ve known all my life telling me he’s my dad, okay?! You’ve totally spoiled the mystery of me scouring the earth looking for him as well as the years I would’ve believed it was Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Stop with the paternity tests, Magnus! You’ve spoiled it!
- Red Velvet Cake is Just Dyed Chocolate Cake: Oooooooh nooooo does that ruin red velvet for you??? This is what a spoiler feels like! This spoiler is directly from a Mr. Maclean Morgan. Dear Mac, this is a callout. You have been called out for your spoiling ways. Please address him accordingly.
If you aren’t convinced now, just wait till my newly published book comes out, titled The 1354 Things You Should Never Spoil for Me, Ever: Now in ranked order. Available everywhere they sell Indigo.