We need to talk about the coffee in the VUSAC office

Illustration | Mia Carnevale

The inside scoop on coffee scoops and poops

What began as a passing comment about the free coffee that sits in the VUSAC meeting room, turned quickly into a gut-wrenching revelation: that coffee is very expired.

After I casually mentioned the coffee in conversation, an anonymous VUSAC member disclosed: “I’m the VPSO, of VUSAC, (2017-2018), and that coffee is expired. But nobody drinks it anyway. ” — (name redacted for privacy)

This poses a grave concern to me as I have been drinking that coffee, like, every day. Sometimes multiple cups. Sometimes to make it more potent I mix the Nescafé with the Folgers 100% Colombian. It has a distinct taste, which at first I could not place, but I now recognize as a strong top note of December 2016 with a slight tangy undertone of August 2014. Following my consumption of the expired instant coffee granules are frequent trips to the Goldring single user washroom. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty, but have you ever seen seven melted Kinder eggs put through a blender and squeezed through a tube of toothpaste? I’ve just been through some stuff.

When asked for comment, an anonymous VUSAC president stated:  “You also just poop a lot so let’s not confuse correlation with causation.” VUSAC hates its students: confirmed. Is this really the standard of living that our student government believes we deserve? My poops are loose and only a solid helping of justice will firm me up again.