The injustice of it all
The “generation gap,” undoubtedly a term some of our less spry readers can recall, is an issue that has once again reared its ugly head—a head not unlike the measles-infested visage of an anti-vax boomer’s child. This begs a question: what happened to all the cool old people? Surely there must be more than the likes of Betty White, Angela Lansbury, and salt-and-pepper heartthrob Eugene Levy? These titans of age have done much of the heavy lifting needed to keep elderly street cred on life support. However, much like our boys in The War, they can’t do it alone, lest the dream of rad retirees goes the way of all old people: to the grave. If the following experience of two young bohemians has any validity, the dream, much like Jay Leno’s career, is in grave danger.
While enjoying a young and virile lunch, leaders of tomorrow John Lamb and Matthew Innocent (names changed upon request) were unjustly accosted by a cruel relic of yesteryear. These charming lads were wrongly yelled at for the “crime” of a jocular demonstration of <i>joie de vivre</i>. The aged assailant was quoted as saying, “You two have been carrying on at 20 decibels and that one [Mr. Lamb] just went OUT of control!” It should be noted that the proverbial joint was jumping and was patronized by boisterous diners all around. These paragons of boyish virtue attempted the high ground, but as in Gallipoli, the strategy proved futile. The irate (alleged) octogenarian could not be sated and proceeded to mock Mr. Lamb’s proud Italian heritage without care or concern for the plight of the Italo-Canadian experience. This callous attitude proved too taxing for our heroes. “Let’s go someplace cool,” conceded Mr. Innocent, bemoaning the erasure of youthful vigour from the public sphere. After delivering a gentle reminder of the ever-encroaching spectre of human mortality, these victims hung their heads and departed a once-joyous locale.
What does this sorrowful tale herald for an increasingly polarized modern age? The dream of being old and cool has fallen—can it get back up? This reporter says yes, but there is a caveat. There are cool old people; my grandma is the best, but one episode of <i>Leave it to Beaver</i> does not a season make. Let’s put this into terms you can understand: Cool Old People, you have a beachhead of coolness; you need to “storm” the “Calais” of hegemonic curmudgeony and convince all the mean seniors (meaniors, if you will) to just chill out in this modern “D-day.”