You dumb virgin
Giraffes
These megafauna motherfuckers are rad as hell. Males will mate with males and females mount one another for kicks. Heterosexual mating only matters for the production of offspring. You can’t NOT appreciate a species of freewheeling bisexuals! In the case of male-female sex, the male will headbutt the female to make her pee. He’ll drink that pee (kinky!) to see if she’s fertile, which happens every two weeks. That isn’t an indication that they’ll have sex, though: if the male is too insistent and the female isn’t feeling it, she’ll just walk away. What a queen. Learn from the giraffes: piss on your boyfriend and leave him if he’s too pushy.
Dragonflies
Female dragonflies will often feign death to avoid males by suddenly dropping to the ground and lying prone. We know they’re only faking because they get right back up again when the stupid males leave. This pretend-death usually happens when the female has already copulated and laid her eggs. It makes sense that she wouldn’t want to be pounced on by a frat of latecomer males. Take a page out of the dragonfly’s book: don’t fake an orgasm, fake your death! Request an obituary from The Strand!
Bonobos
Whenever there is tension among female bonobos, they rub their genitals together to relieve it. Males will often do the same with other males, and they can engage in what is called “penis fencing” (no need for further explanation!). Bonobos live in a matriarchal society, and females have sex even when they aren’t fertile, which decreases male-male competition. Females actually mate with so many males that none of them can tell who the offspring belong to! Females can also be violent towards males, biting off fingers and the tips of penises.
E. coli
Yeah, yeah, talk about “gametes” and how “no new organism is created” all you want. But two bacteria really do connect to share genetic information via a pilus, a surface appendage, which I can and WILL call a micro-penis. Later, haters.
Flatworms
Flatworms are hermaphrodites. When they encounter one another, they decide who carries the offspring via penis fencing (God! When will humans catch up!). They try to stab one another with their double-pronged penises and inseminate the other flatworm first. The battle can leave flatworms riddled with holes. A lesson from the flatworms: don’t let penis-owners boss you around! Stab them first!
Yeast
These undergo asexual reproduction, which is still better than anything you can muster. Bitch.
Praying Mantis
The female praying mantis is often discussed for biting off her mate’s head during or after intercourse. However, this is a rarer activity than it is made to seem! In fact, the female only eats her mate if she’s hungry or he annoys her, which is perfectly valid. Give this a try when you’re hangry or when a fuckboy comes at you with his unimaginative grindy dance moves!
Your Mom
lol
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