Chances are, you’re not baby either
People these days throw around the termphrase “I’m baby” as a joke. It is not a joke. If you are twenty years old, you cannot claim, “I’m baby.” You cannot possibly have a successful rap career if you are, for example, “da baby.” I find this both preposterous and medically impossible. For this reason, I have generated a list of ten criteria that personally prove why I am NOT “baby.” I hope this list helps with your diagnosis of your situation.
1. My mother cannot hold me in her arms anymore.
Parents hold their babies; my mom cannot hold me anymore. I am 6’1” and 180 pounds — how can I expect my 5’3” mother to hold me? She can’t, because I am not baby.
2. I do not have cute, nice, or tiny feet.
I have large feet, and they usually stink. If I was baby, this would not be the case, therefore I am not baby.
3. I do not sleep like baby.
If I was baby, I would have an erratic sleeping and napping schedule. I no longer wake up in the middle of the night and cry for my parents.
4. I do not just eat mush.
I eat other things when I don’t have to eat at Burwash, for example. If I was baby I would only be able to eat mush.
5. I can read.
Babies can’t read, nor could they understand any of Marx’s writings. I, on the other hand, can understand only a little but I can still read it, and that shows that I am not baby.
6. I have proof that I used to be baby.
Look, I have photos of me as a baby. If I used to be baby, then I can’t be baby anymore, that has to be proof enough.
7. My skin is not nice.
People compare nice skin to how smooth a baby’s butt is. Last I recall, babies do not have pimples. I am not baby.
8. I have a fully formed skull.
Stranded readers should remember that we ran an article about baby flathead. I cannot get baby flathead, because I am not baby. Even though Stranded did it for me so I didn’t have to, I tried. Trust me on this one.
9. It is not socially acceptable for me to wear a onesie anymore.
Babies got it easy. All they have to do is put on one piece of clothing and walk out the door for the day. I am not baby, and that means that I have to pick an entire outfit that’s acceptable for an “adult” to wear.
10. I no longer have my age counted in months.
I am currently 259 months old, but it’s soooo much easier to say that I’m 21 years old. If I was baby, someone would definitely provide my age in months. Stop telling me that your baby is 18 months old, that cutie is a year and a half old, I can do math.