STRANDED

My conception was far from romantic. It began at 7:30 on a Friday night, under a flag that was once draped over Queen Victoria’s casket. Helen, my mother, was alone at the foot of a table with a plate of roast chicken, paired with a bowl of miso soup with enough sodium for ...

1. Nicholas Cage  This star of National Treasure: Book of Secrets has a big secret himself: he used to be his mother’s national treasure, as before he was famous, he was at one point, a baby.  2. Zooey Deschanel  Can you even imagine Zooey Deschanel without bangs? Did you watch ...

I’m writing this from an Arkansas prison

You hold the squishy fleshy baby in your hands. Your nose dips into the fuzz of their scalp. You inhale deeply. Baby Smell™ fills your nostrils and binds to your serotonin receptors, flooding you with emotions. But what is Baby Smell™? What are the components of this exudation, the most ...

Baby babbles in shocking interview

This baby is 30 years old and still lives in his mom’s womb. Ugh! Can’t stand it how kids these days rely so much on their parents. I bet you he spent too much money on avocado toast and that’s why he can’t afford rent in downtown Toronto. He got ...

‘Is Boss Baby 2 out yet?’ and other pressing questions you may have

Remember the baby in that viral meme or vine from a while ago that you randomly remembered while talking to someone (and had to spend seven minutes searching for it while assuring said someone it’ll be “totally worth it”)? It might surprise you to know there are real people and ...

Each and every one of us, every *a*, every **k*, every ***n**, every ******x*** (or some combination thereof), has heard it in one form or another: “Think of the children!” Just think about their extreme innocence and whatnot; their empty expressions, their charming lack of socialization, their curious natures. We ...

The six elaborate reasons behind why it’s appropriate for me to dress my baby up and take her for walks in her stroller In August of 2019, I adopted a cat. In March of 2020, six months later, I realized that I, in fact, did not adopt a cat. I ...