James: Hi Ian, thank you for agreeing to do this interview with me. I know that your mom and dad left you here in my care, but I think this is as good a time as ever to do this very important interview with you.
Ian: (motor noises)
J: Good, I’m glad you’re doing well today. My first question for you today has to do with your life as a baby. People say “I’m baby” all the time, but I’m not sure they know what that means. What does “I’m baby” mean to you?
Ian: Gaaaaaaaaaaah!!
J: Could you expand a bit more? Is it a lifestyle? A state of mind? A workout routine?
<i>At this point Ian crawled away and attempted to pull himself onto his feet using the nearby couch. Ian fell, but tried again and was successful. He shot a glance towards me with a big smile on his face.</i>
J: Oh, I see! It’s all three! What do you see as the perks of living your life as a baby?
Ian did not answer and instead stared at me for a solid minute.
J: It’s a selfless life, I see. You are not in it for yourself, but instead you are offering your cute demeanour, beautiful eyes, joyful laugh, and poopy diapers to others out of the good of your own heart.
I: Bwuhbwuhbwuhbwuh.
J: Ok Ian, let’s move on to some of the more hard-hitting questions I have for you. What is your favourite toy?
I: Eeeeeyaaaaaahhhhh!
Ian picks up the green bus.
J: Ah yes, a supporter of free public transit; you truly are the activist that I thought you were. How about your favourite food?
I: Well James, I think baby mum mums are the superior snack.
J: That is quite the hot take, Ian. Arrowroot cookies are pretty good.
I: James, you forget that I have no teeth yet. I have a much easier time with baby mum mums.
J: Favourite baby food flavour?
I: Peas and carrots.
J: I was a peas-and-carrots baby myself. How long can you keep yourself standing for?
I: Guhguhguhguh.
Ian holds himself up for ten seconds at most.
J: Very well done. Thank you, Ian. I think this is it for our time today, but I wanted to thank you for your time today. It has been a pleasure.
I: Thank you, James. Oh, by the way, before we wrap up, stop asking silly questions about the Trudeau Government’s response to COVID-19. All you have to do is read Michel Foucault’s Discipline and Punish as well as works on biopolitics. It really is that simple.
This interview has been edited for brevity and clarity.
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