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Illustration | Mia Carnevale
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Seven days after going missing, student stumbles out from “‘Dark Ned’s’ Café”
Marco Floundry, a very real and not made up Victoria College student, stumbled back into Ned’s Café from behind the ice cream freezer at approximately 8:29 pm on September 20, 2018.
Marco had been missing for seven days. He had gone to Ned’s at approximately 8:28 pm on September 13 to grab a Chocolate Drumstick from the new ice cream freezer. When he was nowhere to be found two days later, his parents inquired and a full-scale search party, made up of all the staff at Ned’s, was sent to recover the missing student. With no luck after 25 minutes of searching, they gave up, as it was a Saturday, and Marco was presumed dead.
Marco did return, however, a week and one minute later, emerging from the freezer sweaty, shaking, and uttering the words “Get me out of Sned’s…. No not the overcooked lasagna please… I can’t take anymore…. No not again.” He was clearly traumatized by what he had witnessed.
The Strand sent me to investigate.
Marco had gone to Ned’s that night because he was craving a chocolate drumstick. “There was one at the very bottom, and I reached down to grab it,” Marco said. “Reaching for that drumstick was my greatest mistake, driven by greed and lust for the best flavour of drumstick.” Marco was then sucked into the freezer and consumed by a cold and unbreaking darkness, which he fell through for what felt like an eternity.
“After I hit the ground, I wandered for days, but eventually I came to a spot where I could see the light.” What Marco found next was shocking: “It was Ned’s Café, or at least… I thought it was.” In actuality, what Marco found was a café called “Sned’s.” Marco refused to speak any more about his experience, so I cut the interview there.
I headed to the E.J. Pratt archives to further investigate Sned’s. What I found there would even scare someone who never really gets scared. According to the archives, hundreds of students have been lost to Sned’s, the evil version of Ned’s. Unlike Ned’s, Sned’s serves horrible overcooked or undercooked food, and only spoiled milk. Most students who visit Sned’s never make it out. The administration covers up these disappearances by claiming the students have transferred out of Vic, but we all know that is false, because no one transfers out of Vic.
From what I can tell, the location of the portal to Sned’s changes based on the layout of the café. So next time you see a change in the café’s layout, be on your toes. One wrong step and you might end up in the evil underworld that is Sned’s, and the dark Vic, known as Svic, which is presided over by President Snobbins.
Victoria College Food Services was contacted for comment, but did not respond.
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