We can sit around grasping our iPhone running bands, Martha Stewart cookbooks, and ECOMAN study subscriptions, all while huddling by a digital fire of our own self-delusion reading The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants, but eventually we’ll all be burned by the reality that these pants indeed do not fit. The reality that it takes a little more than sisterly love and the Spice Girls reunion to hold your cold, miserable January together. So without further adieu here are the New Year’s Resolutions you should have made because there weren’t enough lists like this already on your Facebook newsfeed.
REALsolutions: (I realize this is terrible)
The Michael Stop Studying
My resolution is to study more for the first couple weeks, discover a new show, give up on said show, spend a week watching YouTube and browsing Netflix in hopes of finding literally any piece of entertainment to prevent me from enacting any conceivable responsibility I have, most likely get caught in a rabbit hole of Vine compilations with some variation of the title: “The Vines that kept me from setting fire to all my belongings, shaving my head, and volunteering to be the first human on Mars,” then re–watching The Office.
I’m Beyoncé Always
This year I will spend more money on travelling, shopping, and drinking than any year before but will bury it with the guilt-laden phrase of “I deserve this. I need to treat myself” even though all I will complete this year is a front-to-back viewing of The Office…twice.
Every white guy you know
I will somehow listen to more podcasts, recommend more obscure TV shows, and brag to you about my Nintendo Switch.
Blake Shelton’s my dad
I will pick up an instrument I used to play once, put it down, and then wait another five years before my dad guilts me into trying it again.
Got Lululemon for Christmas
I will enter Hart House, be confused as to what to do, use the treadmill or bike, leave, and never go back.
Tide Pods
I will memes.
Reality
At one point in the New Year during the period in which I should be working the most, I will be lying on my bed with my laptop open to the Netflix homepage; holding a melting, half-eaten tub of ice cream and a stolen spoon from Burwash; scrolling through Instagram and involuntarily saying “I’m so tired.”