We get it! Valentine’s Day sucks! Mostly because it’s essentially a calendar alert for your loneliness and a holiday for the soul purpose of exploiting your wallet (a lot to unpack there). Often enough, because of all of these poopsicles, we raise expectations to have an amazing day—but if any of us learned anything from the Taylor2 film about Valentine’s Day, we would all remember that the best version of the day is one that happens on our <i>own</i> terms. And my terms are simple… MOVE IT TO THE FUCKING SUMMER!
For the love of the love gods why would you pick the absolute worst date of the year to have a day to be romantic, chivalrous, and demonstrative. I can’t be sexy or appealing when I’m going through Aveeno tubes like they’re breath mints (which are a crucial element to any Valentine’s Day plans). My body is itchy all over, my knuckles feel like sandpaper, and my lips have more cracks than the African plains in <i>The Lion King</i>, or maybe even the real African plains. This is not the time for me to be my best self. It’s like the chance of Brendan Fraser making a comeback: the odds are against us. February 14, in Canada at least, is the midway point of winter. You’re deep in it. So you’ve accomplished getting through half of hell—and you’ve barely survived! You don’t even get the luxury of having actual days off from work or school! You have to schedule this shit around your busy, cold, chaotic life and still have the time and patience to wait 40 minutes for a table at a nice restaurant. THIS MAKES NO SENSE! Even the bathroom no longer gives you comfort as your bare ass becomes cryogenically frozen to your ice cold toilet seat. Good luck trying to consensually grab some ass when the mitten of snow that is your hand becomes a black hole for any resemblance of libido. Everything in the winter is difficult. We all know the ice level of any video game is always the hardest! And love, like I’ve said many times, is exactly like <i>Crash Bandicoot</i>. So if you would like to join me in this fight for warmth in a tundra that has no foreseeable end, visit thestrand.ca/category/stranded to join my petition for moving Valentine’s Day to the summer. Not yet on my side? Well here are a few reasons to take your chocolate-filled hearts and put on your flip-flops:
- You can actually sit outside
- Patios can be used for people instead of chairless tables
- You are no longer cold
- You can literally do all of the romantic things, which all brilliantly require going outside!!!!
- Lower chance of getting sick, higher chance of getting laid
- You remember that sunsets exist
- The beach rises up from the Earth like a biblical phenomenon
- Toilet seats are warm
- Butts can be consensually grabbed and it is still sexy
- People are wearing less clothing
- Patios
- Pools
- Sun
- Warmth
- Did I mention patios?
Please!!!!!! Please, for the love of loving love! Let’s not have a holiday where we’re more likely to be sad during an already sad time, let’s have a holiday where we’re more likely to be sad during a time where there’s sunlight and margaritas by the poolside. Some of you may be like, “Well, what do we add in as a holiday during February?” New holiday called Stay Inside With People You Love Day, also known as Holiday. Let’s stop this cold Valentine’s Day and make cuffing season year-fucking-round!!!!
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