Ranked

Throughout my many years of undergrad, I spent many years. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track, especially as my brain continues to age. I wrote this for my fans and me, for us to celebrate my glory days and pay tribute to some of my proudest moments. Here is Buzzfeed Presents: The Strand’s definitive ranking of all six years of my undergrad career:   

#1:  Fifth year 

I was a Don at Victoria College during this time. While it was a very stressful and chaotic year, I think I only managed to lose, like, two students in The Great Accident.   

Bad: President Robins caught me straddling the statue of Northrop Frye and taking selfies. I agreed to do another year at Vic so long as he never spoke of it again. We signed a blood pact and I haven’t seen him since. 

#2: First year 

We started off with a bang!

Highlights: GPA at all-time high, found a rock that looked like a squirrel. Cons: Never figured out where the bathrooms were in my res, so I just held it in ’til I went home on weekends.  

#3: Fourth year 

Justin Bieber released “Sorry.” This was a good decision. Found a squirrel that looked like a rock—another solid decision. We give this year three thumb emojis out of four. [thumb emoji][thumb emoji][thumb emoji]

#4: Second year 

My cat died, so that wasn’t very chill.  

#5: Third year 

Got a new cat, pretty chill.  

#6. Third year, second semester 

Zayn left and I do not wish to talk about this. I give this a big bad rating of one star out of five stars.  

#7: Sixth year 

VUSAC tries to assassinate me via poisoned coffee but I am strong and the case is settled out of court.  

Aside from that, I graduated, but that’s it.