Dear Reader(s),
Listen, I understand that during a holiday perpetuated by a company that makes folded paper it can be hard to hold back the tears. Hell, I cried three distinct times during Spider-Man: Into Spider-Verse—and that’s not even a joke. The point is that the next time you hear that smooth, sexy, jazz vibrato of Michael Bublé (The Bube) and you have the urge to watch The Fault in Our Stars, stop yourself and remember that I’m losing in a Bachelor fantasy league. Yes, that’s right! The Bachelor! The hit ABC show where Chris Harrison watches and facilitates the transition from polygamy to monogamy via the process known only as reality TV. This show is amazing! I don’t have to back up this show because, let me tell you, after 23 seasons the success rate has not improved, which makes watching the show all the more satisfying. If you’re getting into the show for the first time, though, learn from my mistakes and do NOT enter a Bachelor Fantasy League.
What is a Bachelor Fantasy League? (Rhetorical question.) It combines the fantasy title from those used by sports viewers… and pretty much nothing else. (Rhetorical answer.) What you have to do is pick which contestants you believe will be around each week, and eventually win. Do you do this with stats, player history, projections, win rates, or any piece of information? Absolutely not! You pick them the same way The Bachelor does: based on their face alone. (Huge self high-five, pirouette, read horoscope, keg stand on box of rosé.) Given that’s all the information you have, my girlfriend is still beating me very, very badly. She mocks me, and it hurts.
This brings me to my main point. I need help! Now! If you have any information via tweets, peaks, or deets, please let me know. If you have access to the memory eraser from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so I can alter her memory and swap fantasy cards, please lend it to me. (I know it’s a big ask but I will return it.) If you have any skill in travelling through time or forging documents, or are an ABC executive, now is the time to finally put your useless skills to, well, use. The choice of wine on movie nights rests in your hands, as well as my dignity. And whenever you’re feeling low just think of me… and how I’m losing at a BACHELOR FANTASY LEAGUE!!!!!
Sincerely,
Max