Because sometimes the truth is too hard to explain
Between astronomical rent and looming threats of another economic recession, I’ll be the first to admit that the likelihood of me being settled down by the time I’m 30 is somewhat slim. But if by some miracle I do manage to move out and meet someone special (a rich, blue-eyed computer engineer, perhaps?), I know there will come a day when my future children look up at me, eyes wide and full of hope, and start asking questions about the city they call home.
The problem is, while I could never condone outright lying, the longer I spend in Toronto, the more I realize that not even the best PR team could hide the city’s gaping problems fuelled by the complex ugliness of “NIMBYs,” “budget constraints,” and “provincial overreach.” It’s clear that the best way to address my future children’s questions—without sending them into an existential crisis before they’re teenagers—might involve a few lies… or what I’m going to call “creative storytelling:”
- The Eglinton Crosstown hasn’t been built yet because the city is currently waiting for a family of tortoises to move out.
In 2021, rail engineers discovered a family of endangered tortoises nesting near the future Mount Pleasant station. It turns out the Line 5 tracks currently serve as the perfect training route for a tortoise family with eighteen tortoise children—the phrase “slow and steady wins the race” isn’t exactly true, and the tortoises have been using the track to practice their sprints and help secure a win against those hares. Until the tortoises find a better spot to race (Finch perhaps?), they’re staying put, and the LRT will remain incomplete.
- Delays on public transit happen because TTC drivers are actually undercover agents, helping the police fight crime across the city.
The rumours are true: drivers are a key part of the elusive “Toronto Tactical Corps” (TTC), a group dedicated to helping keep the city safe. They use their extensive network of buses, streetcars and subways to get around the city quickly, predicting crimes before they even happen. While the delays can be annoying (especially when all you want to do is get home and relax), rest assured that a nefarious supervillain was just thwarted by your driver (maybe ask them for their autograph?).
- Potholes are purposely not filled in due to fears of another racoon riot.
Potholes are prime real estate for Toronto’s growing racoon population—they’re racoons’ absolute favourite place to stash their snacks. When the city filled in potholes without their permission back in the 90s, the racoons rioted, raiding garbage cans across the city and sending homeowners into panic. Traumatized by the scheming racoons, the city has chosen to leave the potholes as they are in hopes of appeasing the ever-growing raccoon population.
- The Ontario Science Centre was shut down because visiting palaeontologists discovered dinosaur bones there.
Last year, visiting researchers from the University of Toronto discovered bones from the mythical dinosaur Torontosaurus regalis. T. regalis was thought to have lived in what is now Toronto during the Cretaceous Period, but its existence had never been confirmed—until last year, that is. In order to complete a proper examination of the bones and maintain the integrity of the dig site, the Science Centre was closed permanently—and will eventually become a condominium to house future paleontologists.
Truth be told, I don’t know how believable these lies really are. But child or not, I think we could all do well to take a moment and forget about the cold, harsh reality of the world we live in, and choose to embrace the whimsy.