The Strand’s ethics expert answers your tough questions

Dear Ethicist,

I’m so nervous to move into residence, and I have so many questions! What if my roommate is really messy? What if my Don is mean? And most importantly, how many times can I lick my roommate’s iPod Nano while he’s sleeping before it gets weird? I’ve never had a roommate before, but I used to share a room with my brother. However, he never let me lick his iPod Nano. I wish they taught us practical stuff like this in high school instead of calculus and Shakespeare. 

Thanks,

Danny Lee, Brampton

P.S. I don’t actually know whether or not my roommate has an iPod Nano. Is the answer different if he has an iPod Shuffle or a Zune?

Hi Danny!

If you want to do something, you should do it. For example, when I want to butter my fingers and put them in the toaster, I do it. I call it finger bread. My wife tells me I should call it finger toast. And that I should butter my fingers after I put them in the toaster. And that I’m going to destroy the toaster. But I don’t let that stop me.  

 That being said, if you’re licking his iPod out of a feeling of obligation rather than desire, don’t do it. You’re not in high school anymore, and no one is expecting you to do this if you don’t want to. Some jerks might tease you, but just ignore them. Sometimes the neighbourhood kids tease me because I share 60 percent of my DNA with bananas. But did I let it bother me when they handcuffed me and tried to throw me into the monkey exhibit at the zoo? No I did not.   

I hope you found this helpful, and best wishes at university! 

Best of luck!  

The Ethicist 

P.S. Your brother sounds like a real butthole. It’s normal for an older brother to tease you, or fight with you, or try to sell your kidneys on Amazon. That’s just what brothers do. But your brother just sounds like he wants to watch you suffer. If I were you, I would spray his iPod with vinegar so that the next time he tries to lick it he gets a nasty surprise.