How did the cowboy hat stray so far from the ranch?

If you’re on Tik Tok, Instagram, Pinterest, or maybe even the LinkedIn of a particularly rowdy young colleague, you’ve seen the latest in fun girl fashion. “The Aritizia Melina pants!” you scream, leaping to your feet, frothing at the mouth, and falling in a crumpled heap. I can only shake my weary head. The Aritiza Melina pants are vegan leather, not the kind of good old rawhide chaps that would so much better suit the trend to which I’m referring. “Cowboy boots?” you ask, a little more cautiously, sitting up and wiping the spittle from your chin. No, not those either, I’m afraid. No, this specific trend could not be worn by a trendy Toronto real estate agent or with a sundress at bottomless brunch; this trend exists almost exclusively online, in clubs, and inexplicably, at 18-25 year old women’s pandemic-era birthday parties. This trend, partner, is the pink cowboy hat.

Feathered, rhinestoned, fringed, or fluffy, however you wanna slice it, the pink cowboy hat is having a genuine moment in fashion. But who brought that kind of country bumpkin gumption to the motherbucking city girls? 

“Uh… Lily-Rose Depp?” 

Wait, what? No! When did she—

Never heard of her. Anyways, that’s enough engaging with the audience for today, I have someone SPECIAL that I’d like you all to meet:

“Joe Exotic in… not a pink cowboy hat?”

This is Bret Michaels, lead singer of prolific 80s hair metal band, Poison— 

“Who?”

—and renowned star of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels!!!

“I’m really just not sure who that—”

For those of you who don’t know, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels was a popular VH1 reality dating show that ran from 2007-2009, and much like The Bachelor, it featured one man in a household full of beautiful women who must choose a weapon from the cornucopia when the cannon goes and fight each other to the death for supplies and eventually, after several weeks of tough challenges and painful eliminations, Bret will choose his rock of love! It remains unclear what a rock of love entails exactly (it’s a toss up between a diamond engagement ring and a viagra induced erection), but as far as I’m concerned, the true star of the show and titular rocks of love are, and always have been, Bret Michaels’ cowboy hats.

Yes. Plural. In most of the episodes and all of the seasons—

“Is it Bret Michaels every season?”

Bret Michaels sports his signature honky tonk headwear. Some have flames, some have crosses, some are straw, all are bedazzled, and some, some are even signed. They’re signed ‘Bret Michaels’ but that just means they’ll have resale value for as long as “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” gets radio play. 

“I’m sorry, I was born in 2003, I don’t really—”

But what does that mean for women you ask? Well, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels actually meant a lot for women in terms of setbacks in feminism but I digress, what this means for women is what Trisha Paytas means for Tik Tok:

“Destruction?”

Influence!

You see, Bret Michaels wasn’t just the progenitor of the funky cowboy hat aesthetic, he was also the prototypical Influencer. He influenced a bunch of hot women to go on his show and fight for his affections, a lot of these women were under the influence for most of their time there trying to pretend that they found him attractive, and even further, once the Stockholm syndrome took, those very same female contestants were influenced to start wearing cowboy hats of their own! In the second season, a Bret admirer even came onto the show with the name Rodeo! This comparison is rock solid!

And you know what, I don’t think Bret Michaels’ influence ended in 2009. Look around, those cowboy hats have strayed awful far from the ranch.