Sexiest cowboys: dead or alive

From the mid-1800s’ Wild West, to present day photo shoots featuring those iconic boots and hats, cowboys are certainly well known for being sex symbols. As a cowboy appreciator (both historical and fictional), I believe this makes me perfectly qualified to rank famous cowboys based on how much they make me shake in my boots. For clarification: I am using cowboy as a gender-neutral term; we’re not looking at gender here, this is a vibes only event.

Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain

I will admit something quite shameful… I’ve never, in fact, watched this movie. All my knowledge comes from assorted gifs on the Internet—specifically, that one scene with the most aggressive kiss I have ever seen in my life. Setting aside the plot of the movie, Jake Gyllenhaal is objectively a very attractive man. Putting him in a cowboy hat… and with that jacket? I am looking disrespectfully.

Rating: 9/10

Owen Wilson in Night at the Museum

Haven’t we all wanted to be a miniature wax cowboy in love with a tiny wax Roman general? Jedidah gets points for being a classic cowboy, with a line from his Wiki reading that he is a “true at heart cowboy,” as well as for having a substantial amount of homoerotic tension. (Also, did you know there’s going to be a new Night at the Museum movie released this year? I didn’t.)

Rating: 8/10 

Lil Nas X

*Insert Lady Gaga’s “Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, showstopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before” gif* What more has to be said? Music + fashion king. We love to see it.

10/10

Those Two Guys from My Own Private Idaho

Another iconic gay cowboy movie that I also haven’t seen. These two get lumped together because they’re played by River Phoenix and Keanu Reeves, who are both very pretty men and I couldn’t decide between them. NGL, I have no actual idea what this movie is about, but based purely on eye candy, it looks quite fun.

Rating: 8/10

Woody

Another iconic fictional cowboy, but unlike the others on the list, he is so boring, oh my god. You’re literally a toy cowboy—where’s the flare, where’s the drama? Also, he’s painfully heterosexual.

Rating: 0/10

Jonny d’Ville

For the uninitiated, Jonny is the captain first mate of The Mechanisms, which is a group of space pirates and also a concept band. He is from New Texas, which effectively makes him a space cowboy. He gets bonus points for being chaotic and committing every crime known to man (except the sexual ones), as well as being hot in a rat kind of way.

Rating: 10/10

Annie Oakley

Bonus points for being the only historical figure on this list, as well as being the only woman. I would recommend Googling her, because she’s just so incredible. She’s well known for her iconic trick shots, such as shooting cigarettes out of her husband’s mouth, and for teaching thousands of women how to shoot.

Rating: 8/10

Cowboy from The Boys in the Band (2020 movie version)

Objectively this man is not a cowboy, but is in fact a sex worker who was hired as a birthday gift. He has never had a thought in his life, and isn’t that the most attractive thing in a man? He gets thrown into all the drama without a say, and we never even learn his real name. Himbo icon.

Rating: 9/10

Honorary Mention:

My Plant, Cowboy

Named after the aforementioned Boys in the Band character, this little fellow sits on my desk and provides me joy in my otherwise dull and depressing life.

Rating: 11/10 <3