Aries (Mar 21 to Apr 19)
Get ready to be rammed by all the shit going down in Aries this month!! A new moon inside Aries on April 5 is the perfect time for a fresh start—take some advice from Britney Spears circa 2002 and Dump Him™️. Prepare to be entered by Mercury on the 17th and Venus on the 20th. Mercury in Aries means it’s a good time for quickies, but once Venus enters on 4/20 it’s time to stop, ~rock n roll~.
Famous Aries: Dr. Michael Cobb
Taurus (Apr 20 to May 20)
Taurus season approaches and it’s about time to be back on your bullshit, Ferdinand-o!! Celebrate on 4/20 blaze it and have yourself a nice depresh sesh—in this post-Sarah Tonin world, you could really use a nice mug of tea and a lobotomy!! The sun’s transit through your house is an ideal time to focus on financial gain. Pro tip: you can get a free Seeking Arrangements premium account with your UofT email. Get yourself a sugar parent so you can live your best life, inspired by Princess Margaret’s 1950s morning routine: relaxing in bed for two hours while eating breakfast, chain smoking, and reading the paper, then emerging at 12:30 after a bath for a pre-lunch vodka. Lunch involves multiple fruit and cheese courses and three glasses of wine.
Famous Taurus: me, bitch
Gemini (May 21 to Jun 20)
To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand these Gems. The self-esteem is chronically low, and without a solid grasp of emotional unavailability—
Famous Gemini: Twins! Name a more iconic duo. How about Jordan Peterson and my ex, famous Geminis. Or Donald Trump and Kanye West, also famous Geminis.
Cancer (Jun 21 to Jul 22)
Well Mr. Krabs, these are krusty times. Ever since the ass-ass-in-nation of Vine in the Year of Our Lorde 2k16, your life has never known peace. In the immortal words of Jaden Smith: “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” Prepare to rebrand during the impending Cancer eclipse by hitting shuffle on your favourite Netflix category: “Visually striking understated quirky experimental independent films featuring a strong female lead based on a sentimental book about a close-knit group of friends with witty dialogue directed by Greta Gerwig.”
Famous Cancer: toxic masculinity
Leo (Jul 23 to Aug 22)
Just dandy, lion! Spring has sprung and there’s no better time than 6 pm on a Wednesday to #pukeandrallyboys amirite?? You’re a fire sign getting LITter as the days get HOTter and April will prove to be everything Fyre Fest should have been. Keep in mind: the best way to describe a girl without being disrespectful is: “damn she’s a sexy bitch!”
Famous Leo: Leo Morgenstern (Libra)
Virgo (Aug 23 to Sep 22)
Sappho was a Virgo I don’t make the rules, send tweet. No further questions.
Famous Virgo: @sapphobot “bot that posts fragments by Sappho. With translations from Anne Carson’s If Not, Winter”
Libra (Sep 23 to Oct 22)
Once you start balancing your budget and moisturizing those scales, bitches better watch out. The full moon in Libra on April 19 is a good time to sort through what you know. The shrooms date is the third date. Vodka–infused jello in a watermelon does count as open alcohol. Don’t commit tax fraud before 10 am. If you get caught stealing a frisbee from Canadian Tire, it will be on your criminal record forever. When the lighter runs out of fluid you can light your joint on a toaster. Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch” is the best song ever written because it’s both a ballad and a banger. And that’s what you missed on Glee.
Famous Libra: Gwyneth Paltrow, Queen of Goop, Protector of Vaginal Steaming, Breaker of Competent and Reliable Scientific Evidence, Mother of Jade Eggs
Scorpio (Oct 23 to Nov 21)
Sting-a-ling! As Katy Perry famously said, “snip snip bish!” Jesus may be the Messiah, but you’re the MESS. Cross yourself before your descendant enters your eighth house, ascends to the midheaven, and yeets the cusp. Keep hackin’ darts and breakin’ hearts this month, but consider switching up your morning routine—wash down your daily handful of caffeine pills and Ritalin with a shot of Pepto Bismol.
Famous Scorpio: Marie “Let them eat cake” Antoinette
Sagittarius (Nov 22 to Dec 21)
Jupiter enters see-ya-later-alligator-powerader in Sagittarius on April 10 but y’all Archies don’t even believe in this shit anyway so why are we all wasting my time. I’ve never met a self-identifying Sagittarius but I’ve gotten plenty of saggy vibes from white men in indie bands who regurgitate everything Pitchfork says and only write songs called “cigarette butts” with lyrics like “I need your love just like cigarettes and I need your butt like cigarette butts.”
Famous Sagittarius: The Strand’s leading lady, Taylor Swift, darling of the golden recording studio
Capricorn (Dec 22 to Jan 19)
Definitely take notes on this whole “corn” idea, Billy, you goat! Vegetables have essential nutritional value that will help you avoid getting scurvy at boarding school because you only eat pasta with butter. Saturn and Pluto are retro-GAY-ding in late April, so this isn’t the best time to Uber to class from your apartment on Spadina Crescent.
Famous Capricorn: Cap (’n Crunch), Billy (Goat), Corn (Starch)
Aquarius (Jan 20 to Feb 18)
It’s the age of AqAIRius, water bAIRer—you are definitely 100 percent not a water sign. Those two wavy lines? They’re airwaves, not aquatic waves. Obviously. No aqua here. We’re all parched. Aired out.
Famous Aquarius: HAIRy Styles, PAIRis Hilton, Justin Timbersky (not lake), FAIRah Fawcett, CAIRole King
Pisces
Feb 19 to Mar 20
One fish, two fish, red fish, go fish…… bitch. Avoid the annual temptation of quitting your SSRIs cold-turkey again this month—now is not a good time. Wait until next month or risk ending up on the kitchen floor weeping into a bowl of cornflakes, again. Some people have dry skin, some people have clinical depression. I heard there was a secret chord that soulja cranked and it pleased the lord but YUUUUUU don’t really care for music do YUUUUUU!
Famous Pisces: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt his name is my name too