It’s fucking time we spoke up about the biggest threat to national security
If you know who I am at all, then you know that Flat Stanley is my Number 1 Enemy. If you don’t know me, then I’m telling you to look deep inside yourself to see the fear we all carry. The fear of a two-dimensional madman who CANNOT be stopped.
Firstly: this boy didn’t receive his powers by being a Goody Two-Shoes like Captain America—no, he did it by being squashed by a bulletin board. By liking Flat Stanley, we are supporting unsafe living standards. What kind of parents put an unsecured bulletin board in a child’s room? What kind of child needs a bulletin board? Does he use it to connect grainy images of previous targets with yarn, as a war criminal is wont to do?
On top of this shady behaviour, have you ever thought about how this panini-pressed idiot can slide into any room? He can just enter at will. How can we have privacy with this immoral dickwad slithering in and out of our rooms, our houses, and our lives? And how do you propose that we contain this Peeping Tom, whom no jail bars can contain? Even if the police manage to detain him, he can Cha-Cha Slide right out between the bars. This is why he should be considered a menace to society. What kind of man should be allowed to escape the iron fist of the Law?
Lastly, I don’t have to say this, but Flat Stanley is just a weirdo. He got inflated by his dad. My good people, you’ve been living your lives believing that Flat Stanley is not an abomination. As an experienced lawyer and scientist, I have collected more than enough evidence to show that this guy straight-up sucks. “He’s just a kid!” you might say, as you dial your nearest sanatorium. But if you can’t admit that this boy could be a threat to every check and balance our society has developed, you’re the crazy one. Fuck Flat Stanley.
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