There’s this one door in Sid Smith that I really hate. Fuck that door. I’m not going to name the door in question for sake of the door’s privacy, but let’s just say there are 1,078 reasons not to like it.
So this door. It sucks. We have to keep it closed because no one at this godforsaken institution knows how to be quiet ever. Basically when you close it it “seems” like it’s closed for a second and you’re like ok, this is great! This time I won’t have to make a fool of myself! But it never truly closes, so you’re standing there about to go back to your seat and then it opens again. So you get back up and pull as hard as you can, and to no avail, it will not close. Then all your classmates have to get up and try to close it as well, and it disrupts everything, and this has to happen every time someone leaves.
You know how on planes they warn people sitting next to the emergency exits that they must be able to push the exits open in case of emergency? Anyone taking a class in that room should get a similar warning before enrolling.
So, when I leave class to go buy a dry biscotti from Second Cup, everyone notices, including probably the prof, which is really not something I’m comfortable with. You’re probably thinking, Ellen Grace, stop buying dry biscotti from Second Cup, it’s like three dollars, and it’s not good. But I can’t. I really can’t. I started and I can’t stop. I’m a woman of commitment.
I asked two of my classmates, Julia* and Katie*, for their opinion on the subject, so that the door has fair and equal rights in its portrayal.
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What is your opinion on this door (on the record)?
Katie: It’s classic Sid Smith. Not only is it ugly, it also just doesn’t work. I don’t really use it, but when other kids are going back and forth during class and struggling with that door it’s embarrassing to watch. How many UofT students can it possibly take to close a door?
Julia: It’s just the worst and I don’t pee anymore because I don’t want to deal with trying to open and close the door. I have enough issues as it is without struggling with the door for three minutes.
What is your opinion on this door (off the record)?
Katie: I kind of like knowing that there’s no risk of getting locked in the room by fluke accident because no one would ever be able to close the door anyway.
Julia: It’s just the worst fucking door. I think it’s on purpose because the university doesn’t want us to go out. They want us to stay in forever.
Do you think when God closes a door he opens a window?
Julia: Ya.
Katie: There are no windows in that classroom. Sid Smith floats in the void. God isn’t there.
Do you think if god tried to close this door he would be able to?
Katie: See my previous comment.
Julia: I don’t know. Yes ’cause he’s boundless? Should I try to be funny?
Me: No.
Julia: I guess I would say it’s godforsaken. Does that mean that god just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore? That’s probably not funny.
Me: I don’t know.
Julia: I’m pretty sure there’s a Renée Zellweger movie where they’re in Minnesota and her nipples are hard the whole time. The crux of the scene is that she’s wearing a full bra and she’s at the dinner table and it’s that cold. She stays in the bathroom and like tries to put them down. You should try to figure out what that movie is called. It’s good. It’s not good but it’s funny. Unintentionally so. Is that funny? Why are you writing this down?
Me: Thank you for your input my friends. Your words are helping to build a new nation.
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Also while I’m at it, fuck you to the guys who sit behind me in that class and talk the whole time. It’s a small class, everyone can hear you, and you’re never even talking about anything relevant to the course. One time you talked about what should/shouldn’t be on a charcuterie board for like half an hour. I don’t care! Is this the right time to ask your bro if he’s heard the recent news about Krispy Kreme*? No! I have heard that news, but you know what I haven’t heard? What the prof is saying!!! Fuck you!!!!!!!
*names have not been changed.