For the Couple with a Vitamin C Deficiency
“Would you peel an orange for me?” has become such a trite and unoriginal expression for those looking to assess the strength of their relationship, even more so than “Would you love me if I was a worm?” What if you don’t like oranges? What if you have scurvy and you like having scurvy? I mean, scaly skin is just so in right now! Here are four alternatives to the tired, citrus-y question for the couple with a vitamin C deficiency.
Would you hand-feed me Cheetos?
Everyone knows that Cheetos are a delicious, yet notoriously messy snack. The orange, cheesy dust that sheds from the corn puffs sticks to your hands more than Gorilla Glue. In a way, they are the orange of chip brands because of their vivid colour and distinct scent that will not come off no matter how many times you wash your hands. However, smelling of citrus is somewhat pleasant, while smelling like Cheetos is basically declaring to the world that you lack hygiene and refined taste. This arguably makes the question “Would you hand feed me Cheetos?” an even stronger contender for a relationship assessment, as it requires more sacrifice.
Would you screen My Little Pony infection TikToks before I watch them for me?
Recently, my For You Page has been haunted by videos of zombified, anthropomorphic horses. These videos range from silly photoshopped pictures to horrifying images of equine gore that somehow found their way onto my screen right before I go to bed. Despite the fear these TikToks cause, I’ve found myself invested in the wellbeing of the horses of the apocalypse. Will Twilight Sparkle find a cure to the infection? Is Rainbow Dash going to reveal her hidden bite mark to the rest of the survivors in the bunker? To have someone screen these TikToks to make sure they’re not too scary for sleepy time would be a godsend, though they might leave your partner with a dead, haunted look in their eyes after witnessing such horsey horrors.
Can I use your Spotify to listen to the Hamilton soundtrack?
Having Lin-Manuel Miranda as a top artist on your Spotify Wrapped is probably one of the most humiliating things that could happen to you, maybe even worse than having the Glee Cast as a top artist on your Spotify Wrapped. While it’s only February, a minor slip-up by listening to the song “Non-Stop” “just one time” could quickly turn into a year of listening to the entire soundtrack on repeat. Your partner letting you use their Spotify account to listen to the Hamilton soundtrack is like sacrificing themselves for your sins like Jesus on the cross.
Would I peel an orange for you?
So many questions for your partner. Maybe we need to do some introspection here… a whole orange? What about just a clementine?