1 Jeff versus Everyone
THIRTY EIGHT SEASONS we’ve watched as Jeff Probst, executive producer of Survivor, watched from the sidelines, biding his time. Now, finally, he will be unleashed like a Tom Jones playlist on a jukebox and wreak havoc! This season, Jeff will be on the hunt. The contestants will arrive as one group, confused and unaware of the monster looming under their noses. Like onset diabetes, he will spring up out of nowhere and pick off each of the members one by one. He will compete in the challenges by himself (even during the team ones) and, obviously, will dominate every week. Jeff will feed. Jeff will kill. Jeff will win.
Who will host, you might ask? Fucking Jeff Probst, of course.
2 Geriatric Attack
No longer will the stereotypical single old person be subject to a first week elimination. NO! In the spirit of Cliff’s success on Big Brother, we will be including only people over the age of 65! Dinners will be had at 4:30 in the afternoon, conversations will be problematic, challenges will take days to complete, and clothing will be oh-so-optional. The stakes have never been milder! But the number of catheters has never been higher!
3 Cats versus Dogs
Finally, we can put aside this “cats or dogs?” debate and have an objective and scientific result regarding the superior pet species… by having only cat and dog contestants! Oh, you thought they would be cat and dog owners? WRONG-O! The species barrier for reality TV will be broken! Meows will be uttered, barks regretted, and (literal) shit will be fucking everywhere!! Who will win? Who will run away? And how long will it take for PETA to shut it down? Find out on “Cats versus fucking Dogs!”
4 Communism versus Democracy
Pretty self-explanatory. One tribe will use communism, the other, democracy. Now somebody grab me my popcorn and greasy chicken leg.
5 Escape the Fucking Island
Why must Survivor be about survival alone? Who actually wants to survive on a deserted island? The time has come for these motherfuckers to take their spindly legs and sweaty butts off the GD island! Will this be like LOST? First off, great question. Secondly, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT! The Others will be released, Desmond will crawl out of the hatch, and Jacob will finally become Jesus. “We gotta got back, Kate!” will be said at least five times per episode. Finally, we’ll get the ending we deserve! As well as some planes!