It’s been approximately 4,625 days since the airing of my last appearance in the Spider-Man Franchise, Spider-Man 3. In those 6,660,000 minutes, never once have I doubted that I have been the best on-screen, live-action, Spider-Man actor. I embodied what it meant to be Spider-Man. Right from the moment that that “fake” spider “bit” me, I lived Spider-Man. More than that, I realized what it meant to be Spider-Man’s alter ego, Peter Parker. People say that my acting was bad and that I was dorky, but that’s who Peter Parker is. Peter Parker was never some glamourous, funny, or handsome boy—he was just a nerd who got bit by a spider. I was dorkier and way more of a loser than Tom Holland, no doubt, but at least I wasn’t a dweeb like him.
No matter what the critics say, I know that my performance was radical. I had a stacked cast behind me in every movie—Kirsten Dunst, Alfred Molina, Willem Dafoe, and, not to mention, James Franco. I outshone Every. Single. One. of those actors. I was Spider-Man, and no one will forget that. Look at James Garfield and Tom Holland, on the other hand, and you get a different story. Emma Stone shone so bright in Garfield’s movies that I thought she was playing Spider-Man the entire time. Tom Holland has to compete for screen time with Zendaya. There is no way that stacks up in Holland’s favour. Holland’s movies shouldn’t even count. He was babied with new age Disney funding, and I had to make do with early 2000s graphics and Paramount Pictures. Disgusting.
When I web-slinged onto the scene, everyone knew what time it was. It was pizza time. No one can ever take that away from me. My swag walk after absorbing the Venom Symbiote? Iconic. I watched Uncle Ben die, and you could see the horror and sadness in my face. Andrew Garfield yelled a bit. Tom Holland never even saw his “uncle” die on screen. I had to save my own Aunt May from Doctor Octopus. The other two didn’t have to do that. Tom Holland’s life was actually made easier by the presence of Marisa Tomei. Andrew Garfield let Emma Stone die in his movie. There is no way I would let Kirsten Dunst die.
If we’re being honest, each Spider-Man after mine was a rip-off. Garfield’s movies were all a redo of my movies. EVERYTHING was copied from me. Even with better budget, he STILL did worse than I did. I made more money and I had better ratings. Garfield is garbage, but at least he’s better looking than me, by, like, a lot. Tom Holland grappled with the Vulture and Jake Gyllenhaal in a cape with my nephew’s smoke machine and disco ball, oooo scary. I battled, and defeated, the Sand Man, Venom, The Green Goblin, AND James Franco.
I represent the 2000s, an iconic comic book character before high-brow Marvel movies, and I killed the role. I. Am. Spider-Man.
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