In a shocking story developing from the University of Toronto campus, 19-year-old cinema studies student Clara Davis describes an incredibly grueling schedule: seven hours worth of assignments in a single day.
“I heard this school was tough, but I didn’t know it was this tough,” said Davis, who began to cry. “There go my UofTears.”
Despite Davis’ statements, others present opposing views.
“She just had to finish watching The Twilight Saga,” said Davis’ roommate, Life Sciences student Zoe Reed. “I mean, they did hold a screening, but she said she was too ‘stressed out’ to go. That baseball scene really shook her up. After the ‘Bella! Where the hell have you been, loca?’ line, Clara said she ‘had to sit down and really let the film sink in.’ She said that only a film connoisseur would understand that kind of feeling.”
“We’ve actually only had one assignment so far, so I’m not sure why it took her that long,” said Clara’s cinema studies professor, Joseph Romano. “Clara requested a one-week extension and ended up turning in a one page Word document which consisted solely of the words ‘this was really deep.’”
Nevertheless, Davis remains staunchly committed to her position.
“Between watching movies every week, updating my Letterboxd, and trying to ignore the film bros in my classes who keep asking me if I know who Quentin Tarantino is, I’m constantly swamped,” Davis said. “And that’s just something that other students wouldn’t understand. Especially my roommate. While she’s learning about useless conceptual crap like ‘molecular cell biology,’ I’m thinking about the real stuff. Like that one time the camera tilted in a weird way in that one movie, and it meant that life has no inherent meaning. Or something like that, I don’t know. I just read the blurb on IMDb.”
At press time, Davis was seen in Robarts Commons, though it was unclear whether she was finishing her work or scrolling mindlessly through film Twitter.
When reached for comment, Davis’ TAs report that they have “never seen this person in [their] entire lives.”