Ever feel like a literal criminal when doing something unhinged? Like, if you were being watched and got caught in the middle of it, you would be arrested? Here’s my list of things that feel illegal but actually aren’t. If you enjoy doing any of these things, I’m seriously judging you. (Just kidding…or am I?)
1. Submitting an assignment multiple days before it’s due
So, you’re telling me that people actually complete their assignments days before the due date? What, you mean they don’t struggle to press that submit button at 11:59 pm exactly? This feels very illegal to me.
2. YouTubers writing books
Who thought it was a good idea for YouTubers to write and publish books? I still haven’t recovered from the whole Zoella-ghostwriter fiasco. Haven’t we suffered enough as a society?
3. Watching videos at full volume in public places
Excuse me sir, please turn down your volume. I’m trying (and failing) to enjoy a peaceful commute! There is no reason to have your volume at full blast in a public place—especially on the TTC. Straight. To. Jail.
4. Buying concert tickets on Ticketmaster
Buying tickets on Ticketmaster is so stressful. How do you justify queuing for hours and still failing to buy any?? Also, the resale prices on there are insane—I’m sorry, I’m not paying $2K+ just to see Harry Styles live. Ticketmaster is my mortal enemy; it gives me war flashbacks. For this reason alone, it should be considered illegal and banned immediately.
5. Using salt and pepper as your only seasonings
Are you ever just sitting around and then suddenly remember how, back in 2017, Niall Horan posted a picture of his VERY unseasoned chicken on Snapchat, and all hell broke loose? It always reminds me that there are people who only use salt and pepper to season their food and call it a day. This is 100% criminal behaviour to me.
6. The blue checkmark on Twitter
You’re telling me that I can now buy the blue checkmark on Twitter for $8/month?? We have reached a new height of impersonation, everyone!! People are having a lot of fun with this, and as much as I support it, it feels kind of illegal to pay for verification. Also, it gave me a mini heart attack when a random, checkmarked account impersonating One Direction announced a reunion. Truly evil.
7. Drinking whole milk
I don’t know if it’s just me personally or if alternative milks are objectively superior (yes, I’m talking about oat milk), but it just feels sinful to intentionally chug down a glass of whole milk. Like, how do you cope with the aftermath of it?
8. Lectures with no breaks
Some professors have the audacity of having TWO hour lectures with ZERO breaks. Isn’t this considered torture?? Why aren’t they being fined for this outrageous behaviour? Who allowed them to do this?!?!
And finally, an honorary mention of a few things that didn’t make it to the list but are equally important (and illegal):
Sleeping with socks on, pouring milk before cereal, skipping out on the trailers before the movie at a theatre, preferring Pepsi over Coke, and the existence of Instagram Reels.