LIVE FROM THE STRAND OFFICE: Volume 65 Mascot, Lucy, has been crowned the new Editor-in-Chief of The Strand. Janna Abbas and Rion Levy, Volume 65’s Editors-in-Chief, have reportedly been forcibly removed from their positions as heads of The Strand. Rumours are circulating the halls of the Goldring Student Centre as to the reason why the EICs have been replaced by the furry, four-legged creature. When asked about the EICs’ misconduct, Lucy commented: “They weren’t real enough.” We attempted to get a comment from some of the masthead members on the situation, but they would only shake their heads and refuse to speak. However, some of them finally cracked and reluctantly nodded their heads in assent that the EICs had in fact not been real enough. Though, we must mention that some of them appeared to have various scratch marks on their arms…. Lucy denies the “gross allegations” that she’s responsible: “Is it because I’m a cat??!”
When asked for a statement, Abbas explained: “In our quest to not be too real, we ended up not being real enough.” Levy added: “We hope the next volume’s EICs are able to strike that balance—that’s if they can manage to oust the furry fiend… though, knowing her, I think it might be too late.”
Since taking her place in the office, Lucy has already made numerous changes (we think, based on our limited translation abilities), including: getting rid of the office computers and replacing them with a series of cat trees, replacing all the old issues of The Strand with Churu cat treats, and turning masthead office hours into nap hours. Her hold on the paper is already so strong that on the feedback form this week, one masthead member commented: “I have never loved coming into the office more than I do now!” In her latest move, Lucy has reached out to The Varsity’s mascot, offering to help Shringle’s EIC campaign across campus, though no reply has been reported yet.
In this whacky, goofy, and very real issue, you can find a myriad of satirical political takes in News, a poem which may or may not be written by ChatGPT in Poetry, and a very real ranking of the best virtual world games in Stranded. We hope this issue provides you with some much needed laughs and relief before exam period rears its ugly head. Additionally, we wanted to give a huge thank you to our Stranded Editor, Faith, and our Associate Stranded Editor, Celena, for all their help on this issue and for proving that Stranded is the realest section <3.
Before they got kicked out of the office, the now-ousted EICs were heard saying: “We’ve loved being your Vol.65 EICs; we’re proud of all the hard work you guys put into this very special volume.”
With lots of love and well wishes,
Janna & Rion
Editor’s note: Lucy does not endorse this message.
