The first time I said “I love you” to my current boyfriend was over Facebook messenger.
It was the summer of 2017. We had been dating for about three months at that point. The details of that night, once so important and precious to me, are now secondary to this one moment. I realized I loved him when we were on the subway home. Frankly, I was pissed that I had to take the subway up to Scarborough when he was only going a few stops up from where we were. I realized I loved him when I realized I wasn’t pissed: I was sad and missed him already.
I’m a really affectionate person. I tell everyone and anyone I love them. I’m also really emotional and I cry a lot. I cried writing this, I will cry when I edit this, and I will cry when I put this into the layout.
Despite all that emotion, I find it incredibly hard to be sincere—romantically, at least. Writing that short anecdote above made me cringe. I don’t want anyone to know I have icky romantic feelings about my boyfriend of almost three years. There’s something about our age of ironic detachment. People tend to make fun of sincerity. We tend to call PDA gross, gushy Instagram captions corny, and genuine joy uncomfortable.
Which brings us back to Facebook messenger. Overwhelmed with the “holy shit I think I love you” of it all, I turned to what was the easiest thing for me: texting. Facebook messenger is no place to say those three words, but because of my fear of sincerity, it was an out. It was a way for me to say what I needed to say without the honesty that we both deserved. Shooting him a message was an easy way for me to be indirectly direct.
As someone filled with self-hate, I am always way too aware of how I come off. Sincerity scares me because it’s too revealing. It’s much more comfortable, unfortunately, to shield my feelings with irony or comedy. This artificial personality is a familiar costume I can put on and move through the world without exposing my insecurities. Yes, I’m scared of rejection. But more than that, being insincere means that any rejection I encounter isn’t a judgement of my true character, just this artificial personality.
Since the night of the Facebook message, my boyfriend and I have been through almost three years of ups and downs. More than being able to break through my ironic detachment, he makes me feel sincerely myself. Being with him means I can shed my artificial personality. He props me up and makes me feel like I can be whoever I want to be. The most important “whoever” I am when I’m with him is myself. (Oh god, I hate how corny this sounds! I know we just went over this but unlearning habits is hard!)
Happy Valentine’s Day. I sincerely hope you spend it with someone who you feel sincerely yourself with. And, take it from me, don’t say “I love you” on Facebook messenger.
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