Tears (happy and sad) have been flowing copiously from every corner of Goldring this month, as Vic students imagine what life might be like when Sooyeon Lee*, VUSAC’s president, has left her post. As VUSAC president, Lee has overseen a number of transformative policies, such as seamlessly integrating in-person student programming and events for the first time in three years, advocating for and effectuating greater equity in Vic syllabi, and (trying) to prevent her friends from stealing VUSAC merch.
However, nobody’s perfect. As with every leader, Lee’s visionary policies have been polarising. Many students have rejoiced, but many others have dissented. These are their stories:
A survey conducted by The Strand produced stunning results: when asked the seemingly simple question “Is Soo real?” a frightening 50% responded with “I genuinely fear for my life if Soo figures out I filled out this form.” A measly 28.6% of respondents answered that their president was in fact real, and one dissenting voice offered that “she takes over 24 hours to post on BeReal (more than once!) #befake.”
This is concerning, to say the least. To say the most, Lee’s tyrannical reign has contributed to the suffering of some of our realest students. One terrified student (he was literally shaking and crying and pissing as he spoke to us, but I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone) identified only as ‘Leeeeeummmmmm,’ said that President Lee “created a bullying campaign against me. She took a conversation she and I had and turned it into a song, exposing our conversation to everyone and publicly humiliating me in front of all my friends. She still shows this song to people, and they all laugh at me. It really hurts.” He also offered that “She once said I was stupid and ugly and hit me in the face.”
‘Ur mom’ bravely ventured that “the matriarch was a vibe for a while, but it’s not representative of real society,” and ‘neal mcbeal the navy seal’ said “bye felicia.”
Uh ohh, spaghetti-o! Let’s see what other, realer students have to say. A disgruntled and ghostly groundhog called ‘Staten Island Chuck’ came to The Strand from beyond the grave to tell his story. When asked how he has been affected by President Lee, he responded simply with “murder.” Staten Island Chuck spun his tragic tale: “I was minding my own business planning to announce an early spring when President Lee supposedly tripped on stage, launching my small groundhog body into the crowd where I perished.” As if that isn’t heinous enough, the fluffy rodent opined that “realising her blunder, she attempted to cover it up by replacing me with my granddaughter, Staten Island Charlotte, but I will not let the world be fooled!! President Lee is a grurderer (groundhog murderer).” Truly bone-chilling behaviour from our so-called representative…. Staten Island Chuck promised revenge on VUSAC’s resident grurderer, and is clearly not surprised by Lee’s ability and desire to end groundhog lives.
Some students had less consequential complaints. For example, ‘ewica’ wrongly suggested “did you know soo was short for susan?” After a laborious fact-checking process, our journalists confirmed that Soo is not short for Susan.
Even celebrities weighed in on the issue. The Strand caught up with longtime friend Andrew Garfield, who wanted to share his story. Garfield said “after filming Spider-Man, I was touring around Canada, when Soo ran up to me with a tin of food in her hand. Thinking she was just another fan, I asked if she wanted a selfie. She looked into my eyes and said ‘no, you’re Garfield right? You love lasagna. I made you some. Please eat it.’ Not wanting to be rude, I took some bites. Except, it had been sitting outside in the hot summer sun for hours waiting for me, so the lasagna had gone bad. I immediately started throwing up violently in Grange Park.”
Garfield continued with his harrowing story, saying “she looked at me, vomiting up my insides and said ‘oh no, garfy barfy?’ and then told me Tom Holland was the most attractive Spider-Man.”
Lee has been widely known for her tactics of humiliation towards celebrities. Notoriously, Elton John himself has been victim to the tomfoolery of our student ruler. Sir Elton Hercules John CH CBE told The Strand that “She thought I was heterosexual. She came up to me and said ‘what’s up hetero how’s life seducing women’ then started breakdancing.” When asked what his feelings were now that Lee’s reign was over, Sir John said he was “free to be me #lovewins #legalizedlgbt.” Sir Elton offered a parting message of “rocket maaaaaan.”
One sneaky student, who identified themself as ‘Pgrata or Agrato (whichever hides my identity more)’ said that they were left “Quivering in fear” by Lee’s antics.
Enough said, really. More than enough even! Real students have spoken, and a realer president was reached out to for comment. The infamous leader at first declined to comment, pointed a twig at me and yelled “AVADA KEDAVRA” to escape the interview. Later, she threw the body of Staten Island Charlotte into The Strand’s office as retaliation…
On a serious note, one disgruntled administrator was heard complaining that this was the “most horrible, terrible, up-to-no good year of VUSAC ever,” which confirms that Lee’s presidency achieved its goal of championing and empowering students.
It looks like Shane Joy (JOYSAC), Michael Elsaesser (ELSAC), and Jackson Leslie (JACKSAC) are the candidates for next year’s presidency…. Needless to say, the beleaguered student body is in for another brutal year of VUSAC’s infinite power and influence.
*This piece is entirely satirical and has been written with the consent of Sooyeon Lee.
