Alright, listen up, I’ve got some shit to say about The Wiggles

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I’m an award-winning composer, musician, lyricist, singer, AND actor, so why are people surprised that The Wiggles are my primary inspiration? I mean, listen to “Fruit Salad/Yummy Yummy”—you think some second-rate-amateur 50-dollar-paycheck Kendrick wannabe could write GOLD like that? I was buying October 13 AND 14 tickets for the Wiggles Toronto tour, and boy was I shocked: in the years since these beefcakes blessed my TV, they’ve been REPLACED and DESTROYED. Yikes, did someone say BOUGHT OUT? How have they ruined thee, Wiggles? Let me count the ways: 

1. Replacing Greg with some dumb GIRL called “EMMA” or whatever. I get it—she’s a role model for little girls. But you can’t just waltz in all loosey-goosey and replace one of the world’s most handsome hunks. Not only has she taken Greg’s iconic yellow shirt, she ALSO has a four-letter name, just to take a big ol’ shitteroo in his FACE. Greg’s talent was magic tricks, which is the coolest shit ever. What special skill does “Emma” (if that’s even her real name) have? Let’s check her official Wigglepedia page (which, by the way, is SUBSTANTIALLY smaller than Greg’s). She can sing and play instruments. Oops, so can I. NEXT.  
2. Replacing Murray with Simon. To be honest, I never really liked Murray very much, but that won’t stop me from being a #rideordie bitch when it comes to my sweet boys. Call me when they find a new Wiggle whose beautiful red hair matches the colour of their shirt. Who said that redheads weren’t sexy? DEFINITELY not me. 
3. Replacing Anthony with some dumb asshole. Let me find his name. WAIT. Anthony is still with them! You prove all of the haters wrong, Anthony!! The old Wiggles aren’t dead yet! 
4. Replacing Jeff with Lachlan. Fuck Bruce Lee, fuck Jackie Chan. Sure, they could do kung fu or whatever, but could they be de facto brand ambassadors for Asian hunkiness WHILE managing a 350-to-400-show-per-year touring schedule?! Never tried, never should. My boy Jeff was also funny as FUCK. He always fell asleep, live on stage and during the TV show!!!! LOL! Nobody’s seen physical comedy like that since Charlie Chaplin, and even he PHONED IT IN during the ’30s. What does “Lachy” (dumb nickname) bring to the group? Oh, I don’t know… marrying EMMA and then DIVORCING WITH HER?! This new Wiggles band has got more emotional baggage than Fleetwood Mac and Drake, COMBINED.  

To summarize, “New Wiggles Era” my ass. Bring back the old boys for October 13 and 14. Put holograms of them onstage. It’s not like a bunch of dumb six-year-olds and one cool 21-year-old are gonna be able to tell the difference. Sorry kiddos, but these HACKS and WANNABES are #NotMyWiggles.  

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